None of that is new....

Not that this is new for me... this technique of watching other people's behaviors and analyzing it and coming to a certain core action that I deem responsible for creating a reaction... To be less myesterious, this is like when I see a great influencer who manages to make all people think he is sweet or a genius or whatever... I usually watch their behavior and realize some certain repetitive action or words that I can later use if I want to create the same effect..

Not that I have not been using the same technique with me in a way... I watch what I do, what works, what does not and sometimes I even write it down or formulate theories about me within a human nautre context..

And of course it is not that I am a novice with pain.... pain management, like change management is a science and I think I am good at it.  I twist it like 6 repetitive times, make a flip and voila...the pain sort of turns into laughter... but do not question me if it feels or tastes like laughter...

So, it is really not that any of the above is true... it is just that being experienced in all that does not necessarily protect your heart from pain... does not necessarily provide medical insurance to your wounds.. and doing it more and more neither provides an answer as to "how to do it" nor does it make it any easier..

the missing

How I have missed writing here.  this is one of my most favourite place on this planet Earth. Like a child I rush to this white space where I pour me in little pieces and droplets on screen.  I have missed writing here.  I am carrying all my alphabets and all my cocktailed emotions and coming back.  How good it feels.  The reason for my writing is dual.  First,  I am preparing for the book, so I am keeping all the new stuff for the book.  Second, I have been pretty weird lately (which is all more reason to write here, I know) but by weird I do not mean emotional, happy, sad, confused, optimistic, scared... No, I do not mean all these, though I have been these and more during the last few months.  But by weird, I mean I have been detached....from myself...from what is happening to me.  As if I see what is going on and realize that this is very painful... but only feel it from the surface, like a hot sauce pan that you do not want to dive in. I guessed that was another self-defense mechanism and that is why I did not resist it much. 

It is not nice, however, because you are sort of living half a life, or living while you are kind of stoned.  Not really nice, unless your life really sucks.  And, it is not very easily called on and off.  I mean it just happens and all the intensity in the emotion is gone.  Sometimes, however, I find myself falling down into the hot tormenting volcanos of life.  So, overall, I would not rate this state of "stoned" in my own sense as good.  Not really. 

What is good and brings a smile to my face is coming back here.  it feels warm and I wonder about this missing thing.  what is missing? is it a longing for the things we like and enjoy? is it a want that has grown so strong that it pulls us somewhere like a dog that pulls at its owner to see something?  or a baby that nags at his mum to get him a toy?

Or is it rather an emotion that can only come when something is an innate part of you... or has been ushered inside and warmed and loved too fondly to tolerate being void of it?

Is it the same with people? I long for someone because of what?  is it because they complement me or is it because they make me happy? or may be once again because they have become part of who I have become?

I surely do not know. May be all.. May be more.  what I know is the rushing back into the arms of who or what you love.. as if  you are coming back home after a long trip away, and the whole world is welcoming you in the airport with millions and millions of roses...and you rush to what you love.. who you love... and who you truly are..

No pain today

The last 2 days were like hell for me.. I had a humongous toothache.. the one that makes you wish to die.. or take off all your teeth.. crying and sobbing and wailing.. breathing techniques and NLP and all the tricks I know with no avail..

And today I woke up at 8 am! what an achievement...I slept the whole night! I was not awaken by a sharp pain like a nail stuck quickly in my teeth and up to my head..WOW... and  now I am even posting on the blog... and I realized once again, how fragile as human beings we are.. and I realized once again, how blessed we are to sleep and to wake up...

How much there is to be grateful for!! Every minute that passes, in which we are healthy and feeling no pain, is a blessing... every second in which you are capable of planning a day.. and going through it and even envisioning a future .. if even for a day is such a blessing..

We take so much for granted, when in reality, nothing really is..We are greedy by nature, which is not all bad.  It is because we are greedy that we want to do more.. be more.. have more.. which is a legitimate right.. which is how life evolves and grows and so we do too in the process... But what we forget during this trial to be more is that we already have a lot.. really a lot..if it is only a day.. if it is only ourselves..if it is only our ability to smile or breathe without pain...that is an awful lot..

Be grateful.. enjoy feeling ok in your body... and take care of all the little symptoms that tell you something is so..so...Be grateful for the moment, you are now here reading a blog.. browsing the net.. planning to hang out.. Be grateful is all I want to say

A ton of happiness? A week? A year?

How much happiness do we really need?  I assume we all want to be happy all the time, although we all know how unrealistic that is.  How could we want something so badly even though we are pretty sure it cannot possibly happen? Or let me rephrase this: How can we expect to be happy all the time when we know it is impossible?  And we do expect, otherwise how do you explain our sorrow and frustration, our disappointment.. our fall from above when we are sad.  We are usually not only upset that something has happened, but we are also - at that time- upset that we are upset;upset that at that point of time we failed to hold on to happiness...

It is a bit weird, our complexities.. and our structure.. how we are made.  I challenge any of you not to know that inevitably something will happen that is not as we want.. that a day will be too hot.. or the car will be slightly damaged in an accident or your boss will be grumpy at one point of time.. or your spouse will wake up with a crumbled face.. it is bound to happen, not because I am pessimistic, for I am not and this is not at all the purpose of writing this blog.   It is just that life is too full and too varied.. and we are too rich and full of values, beliefs, emotions, histories and futures that we cannot keep the same pace.  Even if the examples I mentioned above are trivial and by seeing life differently, I have come to the point that I do not even look at my car if it gets hit.. that I invent techniques to manage a grumpy boss or a bad weather or a hideous traffic... Other things will happen; someone we like or love will have a problem, or get sick or die.. and it will hurt.  We all know that.  So, how come we expect from ourselves - rather than from life- to be happy all the time? It would be like having a permanent face lifting job over and over again..

It is only natural that we go up and down.. what we tend to forget however- far easier than our expectations of happiness- is our moments of happiness... our anticipation of a well-deserved success and how it felt it to taste it.. our rush into the arms of a long-awaited lover...the first time you hold a baby in your arms.. the first time you dive.. the joys of innocent conversations with friends at school or at the faculty... there are so many moments of happiness.. and yet, we behave as if they were not enough.. and that is the point of this blog: how much happiness do we need to have - bearing in mind we can't have it 24/7/all our life.. how much will be enough to fill us with gratitude ? how much will be enough to sort of extend vertically or horizontally to the rest of our years.. along the line of time?

In the famous song "if you go away" the words say " If you go away, I will understand.. give me just enough love to hold in my hand.."  can we hold love ? not necessarily in our hands but as one of the hues that colour our spirits? can we hold joy as an integral part of our inner being.. so that it is not a transient visitor but rather a visitor that has changed us.. coloured us.. left some real finger prints on our being and left us a more capable, optimistic and grateful person???

It feels theoretical.. but it also feels greedy.. If we have known joy.. if happiness have crept to us or showered us from heaven..can we blame her for going away .. knowing that she has to because we are extremely complex and rich and vivid creatures? knowing that as Gibran Khalil Gibran says : " your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears. And how else can it be?" (The Prophet, on joy and sorrow)

A friend of mine always tells me that magic - and I dare add happiness- likes to be invited...Actually, Happiness and magic are quite more generous than that.. sometimes even without invitation, they fly and land on your elbow.. or cover your hair with golden dust....but I do agree with my friend.. why not invite some happiness today?  If it is from the past, call for it... call it here now.. and don't get nostalgic about it.. savour it just as it was back then... fresh and sweet... if it s for now, call it with a song, with a word, with a thought, and look up there for a future knowing that just as she cannot stay all the time, she is also bound to come.. and she is a very very good listener.. call her.. she will come.. hold it inside until it transforms you into a better person..than you already are.. enjoy her company and be her friend. She likes that :)

Grounding

I realized yesterday that out of the whole 30 days of June, I have worked so far only like 6 days!!! and yet, it was the most hectic month of the year so far!!! not that anything happened extraordinarily.. no big chunks taken from my time to fight a fire.. no major problems (thank God) nothing.. really..

I guess it was the chaos in my head..in my heart and consequently all around. I felt lost.. chattered most of the time. I wanted to do things.. lots of things..and I didn't.  I started stuff and left them out.. and I thought and thought.. not following a single thread of thought.  And now I feel I want some grounding. 

I want to sit on my own.. and lay around me all the pages of my life like a pack of cards.. and take one by one and look at each.. thoroughly.  I want to sit still..be silent.  I want to disconnect from the world outside and let the clatter inside come out and stack themselves quietly where they please.

Even in my various days off, that was not the case. I can hardly remember what was the case.  I didn't exercise, read, tidy up, pamper myself, work, have lengthy conversations with the kids.  What was I doing? It was going up and down a virtual ladder of nothingness.. or rather the same ideas that have come to occupy me.. like a submissive land. 

But enough!  Today, I have my chance. The house is empty.  My family have travelled somewhere for a couple of days..and I have the house, my own physical land for myself. I have the time for myself, to almost do whatever I please with it, like a an empty bowl..and I have me.

I remember once at meditation, there was this exercise in which you visualize yourself as a tree and you - closing your eyes- imagine you.. tall.. and deep.. nourished by the soil...joyful by the sun..and then you can extend your branches.. this is the picture I keep visualizing eyes open :)

So, I started the day calmly. I am no longer forcing myself to do anything. But, I am keeping the quiet stillness inside.  I am not answering phones, except the ones I have to or want to.  I am elminating all excess clatter.  And phyiscally, I realized that I want to organize my million papers, files and books...I am organizing them into topics: coaching, leadership, happiness, assessement centres, training, miscellaneous.. I am still half way through..but it is already giving me a good sense of peace..

Tuning the world today to my tune.. is marvellous.. I do not have to dance to anybody's song.. I don't have to dance at all, if I don't want to. I don't have to do anything. But, I am doing things.. all the things that are coming naturally in a space of mine.

How many times, we run..in someone else's marathon... or go and come to and fro reaching nowhere. Clarity! yes, that's it quiet clarity, that's my quest today. It can be lazy. It doesn't have to, though. It can be whatever it wants to be.. and that's cool.

For without roots, without seeing our trunk..our branches are not really within our control. Today, is mine. Today, I live for me.  Today, create my own space and I ground.

I guess I have to give up something..

Dear Blog,

I am writing today because I am very confused.  I have always loved a life that is full.  At work, whenever I took a job in, it usually started calmly (except my one which was chaos right from the start), and then I took on things.. and then I created things.. and those things had babies and sisters and families and all of a sudden I would find myself, literally not finding a spare minute.

I started working early on at 18 keeping myself busy.  Even my part-time, free-lance fun job as movie translator.. I managed to turn it hectic and over-loading.  I took more and more and stayed up late translating for the deadline.

I had no financial responsibilities then,  I mean of course it was pretty nice and self-inflating to get well paid when I was 18, but it was never money that motivated me. 

And now it is not much different. I have left the multinational world and work as a part time HR head in a local company, which I assume should have been less hectic.  In a year, I have managed to do the same thing. I over loaded myself with objectives every year as if life would end after this. As if I have one damn chance to finish it all.  Pretty psycho... isn't it?

The problem is, I have dreams.. big and colourful.. I have a lot of dreams.  There is my company that I am currently creating with the documentation, the website, the brochure, the services... there is this blog, there is the book I am DYING to write, and it is crying out to get out of me every second of the day!  There are of course my kids and my family. There are my friends.. lots of friends..

Shall I go more: diving trips, trips abroad; both are essential oxygen to a true Sagittarius.  Parents, that I love and want to take care of.  My second Masters degree, in which, for no urgent reasons, I enrolled a year ago and did nothing about so far.. except studying every now and then..

Favours and support I do to others whenever I can.

Coaching, which I do little of .

Workshops. Fun and lovely

The problem truly is not in being occupied all the time. That is not it.  Problem is not being unable to have fun, cos' I do have fun!

Problem is, My dreams... colourful as they are... always somehow end up last in the list.. never done.  And something in me is screaming loudly : YOUR BOOK!!!!!! YOUR COMPANY!!! YOUR COACHING!!! These voices, unfortunately, are insatiable, just like me.  They ask for many things. I wish they would ask for one.  Get satisfied with one..

I always think I will be on time for an appointment.  I always think there is enough time to take a shower, linger with a cup of coffee... get nicely dressed and get there on time.  But, I almost never do!! and never change!

Is it the same syndrome: ME : the unbeatable?? ME who can take it all? whether it is obligations, invitations, requests, meetings, outings, trips, even pains.. me who can take it all??
Well, that is quite a positive look at myself I guess.  It must be far better than thinking I can't take any of it.  As I write this, I remember times when I did say that actually "I can't do this anymore".  I remember times when my oxygen levels were metaphorically speaking low and I had to get out. 

I don't say NO. That is another issue.  No is a big no no.. No can hurt others.  No can deprive me of chances and opportunities.  No, means not going through an open door, that might be closed later on. 

A sentence rings in my ears.  A sentence I read when I was studying coaching, the module on Balance. Let me fetch it for you guys.  Here it is

" Balance is about learning to say no, not only to the yucky, drippy stuff that no one wants anyway, but to the good stuff too." " That apple pie looks mighty good, but I AM FULL. Thank you, but NO." It's about learning to be done rather than trying to always finish and about choosing the experiences we want to have rather than dashing about trying to have all of them."

I guess as I copy this down..what I feel is : I REST MY CASE.  I Guess I have to give something up.  FOR NOW... But they are all my babies.. how can I do that?? But unless I have been blessed with being pregnant in sextuplets (6 babies) that is not very likely to happen? Right?? So, it seems as if I am pregnant in one or max. 2 and for no urgent reasons (again) I am adopting babies.. which is a fine cause.. but why at the same time??

I guess... what I have to do is identify my original babies...and postpone adoption for a while.. Also, In real life with babies.. you do not really keep planning everyday ( I tried.. I swear and it did not work at all) you just go and do what it takes at the time.. just go and finish the task at hand because the baby is crying.  And right now.. I can hear one baby crying louder than the rest; MY BOOK....

Thank you blog :)

Nothing at all...

I wake up with a myriad of emotions.. they are so many.. so confused.. so agitated and muffled at the same time, that it is literally impossible to decipher or even describe..

I will try to list some, so you know where I actually am... I am bored to death.. the Internet is very slow.. I am going out and I "should" get ready and I hate the process of getting ready.. the day seems to have so much to go .. yet it does not move .. I am also excited about projects and travels..I feel far more relaxed than before.. yet.. it feels like there are still a million pirana fish inside of me nibbling on my guts..while I am writing this.. and yet.. remember I am bored still... the boredom that feels like waiting.. and you do not even know what you are waiting for ...

Anyway, there is also a feeling of being victimized, guilt, fairness, struggle, hope, ambition, surrender.. well, I changed my mind.. the list can almost include all human emotions at the same time.. that would be too long and boring.. but it also brings me to the point of this article..

Yesterday, after receiving some wonderful comments from a couple of friends, I wondered "am I playing it small? Have I not done my share.. If I really have all those qualities or skills or abilities?"

And since this cotton candy-like puff of emotions was also still inside of me yesterday.. but to a far greater extent.. it felt quite suffocating and I kept wondering "what should I do? what should I do?"  "I do not know what the hell should I do?"

The next thing I did was sit down and plan on the calendar for the rest of the year.  My list included studying, kids, sports, work and projects, writing, learning to play guitar and paint, creating new workshops content, and finalizing my company's website, brochure and business plan.trips with family.. trips on my own... WOW.. right?? for unknown reasons, when I looked at the list I did not feel impressed and yet.. it did not bother me much.. but it left me wondering.. again.."is this all I can do...or ... is this more than I can do? . what the hell should I do?"

"You do not have to do anything" my friends said.
Then one of my friends continued " it is not about you not doing enough.. this is very limiting..just go with the flow... just embrace life.. as it is ... be yourself.."  Her words went into my heart immediately but an echo of similar words I voiced long ago.. came by ..too..reminding me..

At coaching, we once had a visualization exercise, and in that one I met my future self (20 years from now) and I asked her for advice " enjoy life.. and do what you feel is right" she said.  What I feel... not what the world dictates.. and now the words of "embracing life" seem to fill my room.. I know them.. I wrote them.. I said them.. and they came back to me when I needed them...

It is a futile fight anyway... there is actually no fight at all... with life you take what it gives you.. you welcome it .. hate it .. but you get it anyway.. you can wish for it.. invite it.. call it.. you can run away from it.. pretend it is not there.. rejoice or denounce.. you can do a million things you see .. it is not as if you are helpless.. not at all.. you are far more powerful.. and you have got magical powers recipe  hidden ins some shelf within the yellow pages..but powerful and magical as you are.. you do not fight with the days.. you take them in... embrace life.. and then go... or if you wish fly..

where did I go?

It has been such a long time since I last came here and threw a pebble in the water.  I guess it is a week or 10 days! quite a lot!! It isn't as if I have not missed coming here and saying something.. and realizing many things while I was saying it.  I haven't stopped writing actually all this time.  I did write in Arabic too some poems..but still, I missed writing, I missed the passionate discipline of coming here and talking and feeling...

So, what happened to me? actually nothing.. I am all safe and sound.. only too tired and too damn sleepy as I  am writing now.. but like a lover who can no longer stand being away.. I come with teary eyes..

What happened?? it is what always happens to us: Life.. life with all its waves high and low, tender and violent, trivial and important..

Life has been keeping me busy.. but that does not mean that it did this to me.. I actually agreed to get busy..I got busy with a bit more hectic workload... then we had a vacation and I consciously decided to get fully busy with the kids..For some time, I have done mainly work and kids now..

But life has also been miraculously wondrous ( I am not sure this word will escape the spell check, really but I so like it:) ... since the NLP workshop, I have been eagerly trying to sustain the marble column-free status I was in...I am waking up ensuring to see that life is not what I thought.  I am repeating myself may be, but I am now more able to share what it really was..

I recently realized (5 years ago) that life is sweet.. I did enjoy life before.. but at that moment, I realized that the difficulty in life does not, by any means, label it only as bad.. it is hard and happy..but my notion of my life, however, did not change.  I thought my life was a struggle. A struggle that started before I even stepped into it.  I always believed faithfully that I was destined to struggle all my life.. .and since that was my belief.. and in combination with the previous one, I sort of accepted it.. as part of having a joyous life..a meaningful presence..

But during the workshop, I realized that my life is not necessarily a struggle.. and that I am not necessarily destined to struggle till I die... My life was rich.. diverse.. like a fantastic indian movie, where there is orange, blue and yellow beaded dresses, love, anger & jealousy in a trio, tenderness, kindness, unfairness and justice..My life had it all..and I am not so old yet.. and I do not feel a bit old yet...
Whatever I had, was not because my lot in life was struggle...No!  Whatever I had was only tender kind preparation... muscle training... just like the famous butterfly had to exercise a bit inside the cocoon before it flew :)  Same here, I could not get into this Indian-movie-like life without the ability to dance, to see... to touch and feel.. to understand..accept and be..

And it made a whole difference to see a different intention of my life.  I always believed God was merciful and generous and kind..but somehow I never applied it to why I had this life.. I used to think because He is wise, he gave me this life to suffer to become in the end what I am now.. I always thought that suffering was therefore an essential part..and that may be it was what led me to taste so vehemently the joie de vivre..

May be all this is true.. but what is even truer.. kinder.. and sweeter.. is knowing that God did not give me this life to suffer.. but to make me stronger.. tougher.. kinder.. and more delicate..able to soar..able to love..able to enjoy..and yet able to feel pain..mine and others' which is also a true blessing...compassion, it is called.

I am a butterfly..once a worm..struggling in the grass.. accepting the grass... loving the greenery.. fearful of bigger animals..but now a butterfly!  For a few years, my wings were shy..my muscles were not yet always ready..they used to get wet easily with any drops of rain and droop...and I did not always manage to dry clean them on time..

But now, My wings are always ready.. all I have to do is take off my jacket and stretch them in all their magnificence.. colourful in orange, golden and blue hues.. rain drops only wash them... and I now look to higher more bluish skies... I visit clouds...sometimes with friends where we have our cocktails... and sometimes I go back to the grass..appreciatively... and then....hop...up again..where I belong :)

Attraversiamo

I sit with a client.. a brilliant one..She says "I have not really met my real self...yet" to which I reply
 "But I have met her.." "She is brave, young, creative, fun, persistent...she is strong, optimistic and realistic..she love life" I ask her "what conjures her up in our sessions?" She is silent for  a few moments and then she says many things ..she says "because you are already on my side.. we are crossing together"...

It is not only my brilliant client... it is all of us... Acceptance for what we are..we all need that.  We spend too much time.. too much of our life in trying to prove ourselves to others.. trying to prove we are worthy..or we are ethical.. or we did not mean it.. or that we love them...or that we are originally not so stupid... or not so bad...

We spend too much time justifying... unconsciously pleading for acceptance... begging internally for a check mark to be put on us..so we can move on...

When all we need is someone already on our side... someone who will know that we are good.. that we are beautiful...that we are fine...the way we are... so instead of continuously struggling to prove who we are and acquit ourselves from all the framed accusations...we just hold hands...we just walk together.. we just know inside that we are on the same side... and we cross...and I borrow Elizabeth Gilbert's "attraversiamo".................

Don't justify yourself... Don't hire a lawyer..when you can fill the world with your songs... when you can tour the world on foot...Hold hands and cross... and when there is no one out there to hold on to... search for this brilliant self inside you too... meet her.. have coffee..hold hands and both you - in total acceptance- cross..

who we are...

In most of my coaching sessions, this question pops up for the client "who am I?" who this person really is.   Sometimes, there are artistic talents long forsaken, and the client realizes that she is not only the process and procedures guy, but also an artist.  Sometimes, she does not know who she really is.  Sometimes her original features are smeared by the surroundings, by the energy in the house that has been absorbed, by the instructions recited for too long, by the models that exist around in a very limited space.

Other times, we lose our characteristics, our realness through fear.  Fear of grabbing life offerings, shying away from them as if we have not seen them, scared lest we stretch our hands, and we do not find our names written on the label!  Other times, it is our laziness to move out of bed, to throw away our inertia, so we cling to a status quo that we do not like.  We cuddle in a comfort zone that we have gotten used to for so long, long after it has become so uncomfortable!

Like now, as I am sitting on my favorite place in the couch I realize that the cushion supporting my back is not comfy at all...and only as I write this,  I move my hands to adjust it.  Simple it is sometimes, more difficult at others.. but we just keep reclining on a mal-adjusted cushion for too long.

Other times, it is our lack of ..what can I call it? is it "guts?.. mojo..spirit may be..  When we take short cuts, while we know that the bumpy road is the one we need to follow, and yet, easier... we choose the short cut.  A short cut like that turns out to be like the one in Red Riding hood, where we meet the fox or the wolf or in best cases we get lost.  Sometimes, we take the good life, the pleasure approach to happiness. When we know we should get out of bed, but we don't. When we need to work harder, but we procrastinate.  When we promise to quit smoking but we wait.  When we pretend that exam deadlines are not that soon.. and that the presentation we need to prepare is not next week..

It is like when we have those symptoms; a headache or a muscle pain or a re-current stomach-ache, but instead of going to a physician, it is easier to take the short cut and swallow some analgesics.  We do this all the time.  We justify saying there is nothing.. but in reality we are either afraid that there might be something, or we are too lazy to get up and check. 

I guess what I am saying is that to maintain who we truly are needs a lot of discovery, heaps of bravery.. active actions... collecting energy..standing up to the world. .and sometimes standing up to ourselves..

But it is worth it :)

Heartbeats..

What is it about heart beats guys?? we say we realized it in a "heartbeat" because heartbeats are fast.. too fast..and too "automatic" may be?? 

We say "he's a heartbeat away from making a huge discovery" which means he is almost there..

I listen to a song and it starts with "my heart skips skips skips.. a beat"...and I know there are many other songs with hearts beating in them.. hearts that skip a beat.. hearts that beat too fast.. hearts that stop their beats...

Old songs such as la vie en rose, also talk about "the coeur qui bat".. the heart that beats when she listens to tender love words...

Even in horror movies.. there are loud heart beats..loud enough for the audience to hear..

It could be love, the first reason of course..it could be anticipation.. worry... fear...joy..sorrow.. parting..exams.. presentations.. surprises..

It all comes down to our heartbeats..and I think "pauvre coeur".. our poor hearts how much will it take?  It dances, jumps, sleeps, and bounces.. it stops.. and it floods.. and then tries to create its own pacemakers through life's ups and downs...

Funny weird and complex creatures we are!  perfect creatures we are!  all whilst we are not aware of our perfection...not always aware of the miracle we manifest... of the essence from which we are... but look at it this way; if our heart does all this only to rhyme with our tunes.. what are we capable of? What other tunes can we create?

Sweet Slumber...

Today is Saturday.. an official weekend day..Isn't it?? But I had so many plans.. first I wanted to assist a friend with some work.. then I wanted to attend a revision for NLP previous course.. which was much needed, because there has so much happened since last workshop that I have forgotten some stuff..lots of stuff !
And before that, I had to assist the cleaning lady in cleaning my room.. and after that I have a coaching session with a client.
And, I wanted to prepare breakfast for the kids before I go and take a shower! What a busy day!

I woke up by 8:30...getting ready for the tidy up, the shower, the breakfast, and the NLP..and since NLP and my friend's work were at the same time, I had to apologize to my friend, unfortunately...

I could not get out of bed before 9:15 ..."still possible to join the workshop a bit late" I thought...but then.. lazy sleepiness  was still on my face.. the lyrics of a song were in my head...the relaxation of a weekend was resistant to move..

I made breakfast, had the shower and was getting ready.. when the presence of the moment of sweet slumber occupied the room...and I decided consciously to savor sweet slumber...I had coffee, listened to songs.. went out to my sunny garden, looked up to a miraculously peaceful baby blue and white sky....and I surrendered to the moment..

So what if I let it all pass as if I am not part of all the tasks, the chores..the meetings.. so what? if sweet slumber takes over me for a day...and I enjoy...without guilt..

In coaching we learn the difference between doing and being...and today, a beautiful sunny Saturday, I am in the beautiful being of myself in this spring-like world. I am foregoing all around...I am here now enjoying the little delicacies of life.

I am letting go... "laisse tomber tout le monde" I tell myself.. for one day, not catastrophic.. I wish I helped my friend, but I had to go to NLP... and NLP well.. I will revise from home in my beige welcoming couch...enjoy the warmth of my beautiful kids.. and enjoy conscious choice-ful surrender to a moment that seems perfect..

If I do not surrender on Saturdays..when  will I ??

The question is......when are you going to surrender too?  when will you consciously push aside all the content filling of the day.. and simply be... in the joy of the moment... in a very sweet slumber??

Healing....way back home..

London- Chelsea park

You have been with me for some time now.. you have shared how I exited heaven.. then how I went there again... you might know that, despite all, I am not always happy..I might seem crazy, too complex, too sensitive.. and that is all true.  I am no more ashamed to admit it joyfully and with pride.

I could put down  a long bullet numbered list of reasons and justifications why I go up to the skies.. get hit by lightning.. fall to the ground.. and then rise again.  It might not be understandable for everyone, and I might not be willing to expose myself to that extent.... no longer, however, for fear of what I have inside.. no more scared to be me.. no more of that..

But may be the difference now is that I know my way back home.  I know various roads..some short and tricky.. others long and easy..and yet, I am sure there are even more ways to carry me back.. and I have devised new tricks of leaving bread crumbs all the way, like Hansel &Gretel.... little words sprinkled here and there.. so that when I can't properly see the keyboard with my teary eyes.. I can still touch my way back..

Some research needs to be done, first.  Some paths need to be explored..and some wrecks need to be cleared away from the streets... GPS is not available... hidden historical maps?may be..

It may be as easy - or difficult- as opening your heart to a friend.  It might be drawing, or dancing or skiing or sculpting.. or any other hobby that you may chose to explore.. It might have been there lying in your attic for long..or a new area of life for you to discover.. 

It might be taking a walk in the forest.. or on the banks of the Nile..or the Seine, or the Thames or the beloved Volga..It might be taking yourself out to the park, picnic in hand, and getting into an "all ears" status..

Most of the above would work for me to lesser or greater degrees... but I found my way out..through writing!

Today, a zillion feelings raced through me..My day was slow.  I dozed on and off.   I opened google, checked my emails.. nothing interesting.. closed google and opened it again.   Today, I opened my blog every half an hour.. expecting nothing and finding that, too; nothing.  Dozing off wherever I parked..the day did not move.  I pushed the hours away.. but they wouldn't bulge.  I went to the supermarket,  but that was not ,for the first time, time-consuming enough..

Then I sat down and wrote.. I wrote it all... all the emotions that came to feast on me today..I asked them all.  And as I was sketching them with my pencil, I saw other shabby emotions draped in multi-layered gray.  I could not recognize its face..new to me..but then with a bit of more sketching here they were all standing in-front of me.  I saw myself.  And then, I knew what I had to do.  I looked around at the green scenery on my canvas.. I turned it right.. put some light, and then I found it.. the spot where I want to be...only a few steps away.. I moved.   I stood there in that sunny green spot.  A feather was lying on the grass, and I thought may be this is the thing"that perches in the heart; hope".  I sat there silently.  Then I stood.  I looked up high.  I raised my head..and breathed in the sun.  Still feels comfortable. Decision made. This where I stand.   I decide to check for rentals..

And here I am.  BACK!  My soul goes through transitions... healing comes with the movement of my spirit from one planet to another.. from one spot to the next, until it resonates.. until that spot welcomes me as much as I..her.

We shall all fall...shall all spend some time in a mezzanine floor.. hanging out at floors that are not ours..that is OK.   But where is your emergency exit? what is your healing process? If anything is important, then that is.. What is your healing process???   I am blessed to have writing, which excavates all the swelling facts and emotions.  And then, things automatically and swiftly come in place.  Then, I see.  I choose.  I go back home.

I listen to her..the cherry tree

As I walk back or forward - for the matter- towards Trocadero, I see her...how could I not?  Standing there like a posing bride in full awareness of her glamour…on both sides are her brides maids, standing slightly to the back, knowing gracefully that it is not their turn yet.. manifesting a more slender type of glamour..

There she stood, unable and unwilling to hide her festive joy “Today, I burst with love.  Look at me, all in white, I celebrate new life” I gaze at her enchanted like a 5-year old girl in a wedding.   I joyfully look down to collect the white rice dots sprinkled upon her for her good luck and now fallen to the grass..

I try to leave… but as a naughty kid, I just can’t help it, I approach… and now that I am close enough, I stretch my arms and pick a bead from her embroidered dress... I am about to run away quickly but I know that, in her joy, she will forgive me..

I continue ahead (now I know it is ahead J) ,  I become aware of another Asian guest taking a photo of her… and I am a bit surprised by how close the writing muse and I have become closely connected during this trip.  I realize how – for the pietons in Paris- I might have looked a bit weird.  Holding a notebook and a pen – rather than a brush or a camera-  standing there… staring at her from all angles as if a certain shot was bound to happen “ I was simply listening to her” I say in my defense for any probable accusation.

I am thinking of calling a friend and giving out all the news about this incessable urge for writing…...” It is like when you are at the beach.. you think of the sea.. you know how good it feels.. you want to go there and you have dipped there many times before, but you cannot by any means get wet until you are actually in it- except God forbid- by some splashes of creativity..

But once you are there and you can immerse in it… it is totally different.  You are still the same person- dry only a few moments ago- but you can take from it and fill your buckets..you can let water penetrate each hair in your locks..and eventually water will have to go into your eyes.. in your nose and even your head..

Then, you can get all salty. wet, blue fresh as much as the sea..

to go or not to go

It's again a new beautiful day....my cold which has chosen to be companion for this cold winter is starting to gain control over me.  My night was full of wake-ups, heartburns, ear-aches and may be some additonal hallucinations.   After sending the kids off to school, how I wanted to rush to my dear lovely warm bed and sip my coffee leisurely there!  I managed to induce enough self-discipline to keep me away from this magical tempting place with all its spells.. because I know as soon as my body hits the bed, a certain kind of coma just happens and there is no getting me back, no matter how loud or persistent you are..your calls will not be answered, and my appointments will be missed..

So, here I am at the living room, had my banana for breakfast and my coffee with me.  I feel so tempted to stay at home today and just let my aching body take its rest.   I am sick, aren't I ...should not I take it off?  But at the same time, I have this opportunity to attend a workshop that I so much wanted to before, and from a perspective of train the trainer, so that I might go and co-facilitate it or lead it later on.  The idea is tempting, thrilling and I love it. 

Yet, I can sense this internal dialogue, going on inside:
- I am so tired, I want to sleep..I am sick..very sick
- Yeah, you should rest.. even today is not an obligatory thing. you can do it later
- But I feel it is a nice opportunity. I want to get started. I love this
- But you consider almost everything an opportunity.. you jumped for work since you were 18 and you thought so too, and you jump at learning like crazy
- But, it really is an opportunity.. I mean all of them .. or not?..All I need is one day break in the middle of the week
- And your current work permits you to.. but you jump again to fill it in

So, it is a battle between going for it, giving what it takes and mainly pushing myself.... and on the other side, it is taking my time, getting more relaxed and pampering myself, I guess.  But too much relaxation for me is not good, either.

I have no answer really.  I will certainly hop off and run to the workshop after swallowing some vitamins to aid me through the day... but what is it that is right?  Is it pushing yourself to achieve your goals, persisting and putting in the effort to make sure you progress .. or should it be taking life less stressfully, listening to your body, giving room to adhoc needs for rest...
Which is it?  which is it that leads to our enjoyable life?  May be that's it.... may be enjoyment should be one of the criteria by which we evaluate our options.  I am sure when we were kids that was the main factor for selecting one game over another. 

Or may be it is this same harmonious balance of opposites that exist in this world.  I see a pattern that embraces all things and its opposite in one, and only in that sense it becomes perfect.  Like when I say I am so small in this world, which gives a true perspective of how trivial some things are, and at the same time, I know how significant I am, because I have an impact on myself, on my friends and on the whole universe in one way or another.  And it is only in striking this frequency of balance between "doing and being" "relaxation and work" and many other things, that true happiness emerge and that the perfect world displays itself.   It is as if in order to have the blue we cannot have the green only but a yellow must exist, and this applies to work and rest, too.. Without rest, we can;t work and without work rest does not make us feel any more rested.  

So, the trick is finding that balance or at least a harmonious co-existence between them all and between all the voices battling inside of us.

My beautiful self

Never betray yourself.. never leave her behind or turn your back to her…

This is your closest friend, your supporter, your co-existence..

This is the one, through whom, you get to see the world, to feel the world, to grow, to love, trust, savour every moment, every tiny bit of life..

If you leave her benind, your visions will be blurred, and the foods of life will taste the same…

If you leave her behind, you wont find any more doors, no more ways, and you will see around you the limitations of life, you will be confined because you chose to leave your potential behind, your one true key to existence..

 Go back to yourself, love her, be gentle to her, look inside.

You will find somewhere very deep a secret garden as big as you want,As colourful as you can imagine, where the smells of flowers will intermingle, the fragrance will fill your senses, and a fresh breeze clean you inside out.

 And then, you will get reconciled with yourself..

And only then, can you find peace with the world..

You will see waters that you have never seen before.

Have a far glimpse of shores you never knew existed..

Reach depths and heights that make you taller

And feel so lighthearted like a feather, with songs in your mind and colours in your eyes, and every fruit on land will taste differently and every beauty will present itself to you.. even out of hardship..

Never lose sight of your true self, sitting back there in your depths, patiently, waiting for the lesson to precipitate, yet persistent like a wise old grandma, tenderly waiting for her children to come back..

Yet understanding their confusion..

 Tiptoe to the sky.. grow.. free yourself.. love yourself.. believe in her.. she is you..

Prayers for all please

yesterday, my friend at work told me the bad news he received that a friend of theirs was shot.  I tried quickly not to register the news or at least not to get involved in it.  I no longer could tolerate that and I wanted to push it aside from my sheet of facts quickly lest it would trigger again those feelings of pain, sorrow, helplessness and a huge dark ball of unfairness.  The unfairness is not that we die, the unfairness seems to me is why and how we die.

Since the Ultras event, I have been finding it very difficult to come back to myself, to skip a day without wondering how their parents feel, how the days start and end for them while they know they no longer have this son in the other bedroom.  Knowing more about it makes me cry, get headaches and eventually a feeling of fear creeps for my children.  I find myself for the first time in my life fearing that my kids go out.  Fearing that I go out late, lest my kids would wake up one day and have no mother to cling to.

Today,   I wake up to find  an sms that the lady who died, May God generously cover her with mercy and peace, and give her family and friends consolation, patience and faith., that she is the sister of a friend of mine.  I see the pictures posted on facebook for her and her daughter and my heart breaks.  I do not want to talk about it here because it is too personal .. it is not my life and I do not feel I have the right to probe into it..and it makes me cry too..so, let us talk about it in general terms..

If my tears fall, and my head seems to be going to pieces, what about the families of those people?  killed, shot, strangled like little Anas in Ultras (may he rest in peace and mercy) what about them?
And what is happening in Egypt?   Why are we going through this?  I am fed up, of hearing about one more fellow human being dying for no obvious reason..

How could people be so cruel, how could we, human beings metamorphose into a less-than-an-animal being? 

I have nothing, once more to offer, except prayers for all those who were killed, for all their families, and another prayer that God may protect our families, friends and kids, and all innocent people...may He protect all the blessings we take for granted..

Deepen the learning, Forward the action!

I am approaching life these days - finally- as I am, as a coach in addition to many other things.  As a coach, we sort of know where the essence is, the essence from which all things spring...not that we know the essence itself or we know everything, God forbid, it is just that we have learnt and been trained and applied on ourselves and with others those secrets.  One of them is the title above "deepen the learning and forward the action".   For action without meaning becomes consequently, in most cases, meaningless and learning without action becomes.....what is the word?.. it sucks.

I have been thinking lately about the power of intention, the ideas so soundly backed up in things like "The Secret".  I am not against them.  Never was.  On the contrary, I am a true beleiver that everything starts inside first, everything is created internally inside us, and this in itself is a catapult for their existence. 

Yet, take me for example.  I have been intending to do so many good things in the last year.  I started working on some, then stopped, then back again then a short break, followed by a longer one.. then the pattern continues and becomes a series of breaks that vary in duration, and bursts or short periods of activity.   In the end, I find myself with my intentions and my grandiose plans.  But when they stay inside for so long without materialization, without oxygen; they sort of become stagnant and start to rot.  They say there is no failure, only feedback (in NLP) and in coaching terms we say "fail often" and we actually do celebrate failure (with a Ta Da!) but what about stagnancy, what kind of feedback is that?  I guess failure too, but it feels like a less positive failure because the learning in a way remains the same.  There is no new ways to unlearn, there is no new feedback coming in.  There seems to be only one damn feedback " You are lazy!" 

So, intention powerful as it is, is not enough.  I have to pull it out, some time after fermenting inside so that it comes out to the real world. 

I keep saying to my kids " use it or loose it" I talk about their brains and their bodies, their talents and the potential I see in them, and I have been quoting myself with this one this week.    So, my point is, that at a certain moment you just need to shut up, and move.  Go for it, and do some action, in the right direction of course, but it should not be so difficult to miss the right turn when you have been studying the map for so long..

This weekend was not like the last blog of "welcome weekends" which turned about to be a maigre attempt to bring quality life and energy into my weekends.  It was an attempt to be respected, all attempts are, but this weekend I no longer attempted, I woke up at 7 well 7:30 and I moved right into the direction of my intention.   Without pressure, for you never know the future, and pressure seems ridiculous if you think that for example the world would end, or you personally would end in an unknowm moment.  So, no pressure, just walk there toward your direction. 

I started the lessons for my son, I exercised, I worked on my career plans, I studied for my masters degree, I enjoyed  breakfast in my sunny garden with the family, I visited my dad, I tidied the house (partially to be honest).  To be totally honest, they were all small steps, but....all towards my intention... no pressure attached, no deliverables smiling threateningly at me from afar.. only me walking with loved ones towards my intention..

and yes, when I use my brain, it wakes up.  When I appreciate my body and give it some mild healthy exercise, it becomes more energetic.  Laziness brings a slower rhythm, activity brings more to life...not only more actions, but also more intentions...and a feeling that yes, I am living MY life.

Que Sera Sera 12/12/2012

I know a friend who is getting completely scared about the a/m date.  The rumours that it is going to be the end of the world has really got to him.  He has been purchasing all sorts of things to store at home, and is making plans to avoid the unavoidable. I know other friends who were planning a wedding on that special day.  For me, it is special alright since it is my birthday! 

Today as I was talking to my dad, trying to entertain him I mentioned the cold wave all over the world and how the weather yesterday in Cairo was warm and today all of a sudden it is cold and windy and back to 8C after being 24C! and then we said the usual comment of "the world is changing" then it struck me "what if it is actually the end of the world?"  Immediately, a sense of relief washed over me.  it was so quick and comfortable that amid the conversation, I wanted to go back to that moment and try to find out what was it that brought comfort and peace so as to cling to a bit more..

What if the end of the world is kind of soon?  then I would not need to worry, I guess.  Then I would not purchase items - unlike my friend- because it would not change destiny anyway.  Then, I would not wake up everyday feeling like I have to do something, to achieve, to make a record,  I would wake up - may be- opening new doors, trying new things but without this huge attachment to deliverables...to success..

what else?  I would love more freely, reject more quickly, accept that it is not my fault since life would be too short, and so that would be the reason why I could not do what I had to..  God! what is this eternal student-like feeling?  you know the feeling that you have studies to be done, and you are watching TV, trying to enjoy it but feeling too guilty?? wasting time but knowing deep inside that you shouldn't? what can we call that?  A sick sense of responsibility? 

If life would end, I would take each day without the urge to finish it with a concrete deliverable. 

I guess, if life would end, I would not feel cornered each day to prove that I am good enough, successful enough, useful enough...I would just go on in my path and let whatever happens happen or as we say "Que sera sera.."

how heavy am I?

I wonder sometimes is life an eternal struggle between those yellow-purple butterfly-wings that I have so persistently anchored on my shoulders and those heavy black metal balls chained to my feet?

Is it always like that?  No sooner do I rise up to the first cloud, than I found myself dropping down again...but who am I to complain, when thank God so far my family is safe... what about those families who woke up to no longer find a son... to drag themselves and bury their kids..if my pain for them has become so black inside... so dark and foggy like a broken TV, making me unable to think or write or dientangle emotions?  what about their pain... a threshold I do not want to pass even in my brains.. can;t even imagine..

They say the colour of our flag has new meanings now: the red is the blood...our blood that has been shed.. the white is the burial cloth and the black is the grave...  the eagle is the responsible for all that.

I have no words to write, blackness have taken all over, words seem so fragile and meaningless... nausea fills my throat...and all I can do right now is pray.

Welcome Weekend!

It is always cool to know that tomorrow you do not need to wake up early for school, or work or whatever, that tomorrow is the day you linger in bed as long as you want (or so you hope). That is one of the coolest things about weekends.

But for sometime now, weekends have sort of become a nuisance in a way.  I enjoy the laziness, the rest, the free time, being with the family, but I end it up feeling as if I lost something.

Analyzing it in my head, here is what happens in the weekend.  I wake up leisurely some times, in other times -for unknown reasons- the members of the family exert dedicated effort to wake me up one after another either asking me about "where that key is?" or posing scientific or linguistic dilemmas such as "what is the difference between emperor and king?" (usually those are posed incessantly by my son).

Then comes the family breakfast, followed by quite a lazy stance, where I have no idea what happens.  By the time I get ready to go and visit my parents or do some errands, it is almost 5 pm!  It is dark and cold, and it feels like the day is over.  Worth mentioning is that, since the whole family is around, some arguments aris with the kids concerning study, setting the table and so forth.... and sometimes - to be honest, quite often- those arguments increase that it becomes no longer enjoyable.  We seem to upset each other, instead of having fun together.

The conclusion of my Friday is not so OK.   The same applies for Saturday.

It is as if in my attempt to free the weekend days from programmed activities and from stress, I lose them, and one of the things I hate most is losing time.  It is so disappointing and frustrating to let time squander like this.  May be this is due to the times when I was soo stressed, when I had too much on my plate and I learned to appreciate what time means, and what time can be used for.

In all cases, I do hate wasting precious time and it so correlates with wasting potential in a way, and these I guess are two of the things that stand against my values.  Mind you, relaxation is not wasting time, not at all. It is a legitimate and a loved activity.  If I make time to relax, to de-stress, to have a nice drink or dinner watching a nice TV ON PURPOSE, while I relax is good.  What is NOT good is sitting like a vegetable on the couch munching whatever, because I do not know where to start or whether to start or not.

And so, today, another new Friday... a new weekend....I have put a new rule.  It states that Fridays are mainly fun, and Saturdays are mainly work and getting ready.  I also decided to get action-oriented (as I advise my daughter) and put some activities right from the start.  Today, I started a new habit of drinking a bottle of water upon waking up, then I researched some more info on the website (it did not take long, otherwise it slows me down), now I am blogging, because I do not want this new habit too to slip away.  Later in the day we shall go out and have fun, and also I plan to do some studying.

I do not remember who it was, but one of the best self development writers said that it is always advisable to start the day with some "personal victory"  so that you feel that already you have achieved something, done something beneficial for yourself,  felt the taste of victory right from the start!

This weekend will not be full of lazy arguments and lack of fun...
Enjoy your weekends, and weekdays :) same concept in a way..

450 Million kms of Love

"450 Million kilometres of love" He said, as he bent to kiss me.  "that is how much I love you" my son said.  That would probably mean that I am covered, entoured from head to toe with love.   But then I wondered, how do we measure love? 

We say "ad el donia" meaning as big as the world, and then it becomes not big enough so we say "ad el donia 100 times" as if that would make it really meaningful or more accurate.  We say " I love you mooot" which is I love you death"  but is that like " I love you to death" or is it something like " I am dying in your love" or "your love is killing me"  like "killing me softly" and I know sometimes it does so harshly and cruelly too.

So, really think about it.. how do we measure love.. the love of others to us as well as our love to others.  Is it in kilos?  in metres like my son?  or is it in moments in which love over floods and fills our worlds? 

Is it in words? then writers are those who love most?  if you run a word count, you may found millions and millions of words about love.  there does not seem to be many more interesting topics for writers to ponder over.

Or is it by actions, following the saying that "deeds are louder than words".  But actions, too can go unnoticed.  Actions might not have the opportunity to emerge in the first place. 

How do we know that we love a certain someone more than the rest?  or that we are so special to someone, more than anyone else? 

It is not quanitifiable, I know... but nevertheless, we keep trying to put measures.. to explain and define as if this will make it better, will make love stronger or clearer, and may be it does.  Even though inaccurate, all our frail attempts are not futile for they bring more love to us inside out.  May be it is for this exact reason; the inability to quanitify or define love, that we try so hard so that this other special someone really knows how much we do love him.. whether it is "ad el donia" or "as many as the stars in the sky" " or as deep as the sea" or even "450 million kms" :)

Nostalgia and other things.....

I have been struggling since the morning with many emotions that I wanted to put down here.. I did not know if any of them would come to a satisfying closure worth writing or not.. still this is the case.  But since writing for someone like me is a sort of healing, I decided to write anyway.

I had a weird dream full of choices everywhere in Turkey, in UK and allover the world..and I kept asking but the one who had the answers was quite a miser with words..It was full of snow and there were lakes and white covered treees, and then  I went and played with the snow, it was soft ...very soft and I cried.  I stayed at a home that looked like my grandma's in Russia.  and as I laid my eyes on it, I cried too..

Was it nostalgia to the time where I had fun?  when my biggest challenge was how to catch up with the big boys?  and to wait impatiently till I could go to the dance and to the movies??  when I was climbing the trees and pulling water out of the well and running like the wild happy kid I was?  was it nostalgia to the people I loved and are no longer there? my grandma who took us our first day of arrival to the toy shop to get us a nice present? to the neighbourhood kids who came in the summer to visit their grannies? and to "Sveta" my neighbour, and "Lioba" and "Tania" my friends? with whom we shared little games and small secrets..

Or was it nostalgia to me, a younger, more carefree me?  but whom am I fooling? I have always tried to do what is right, to consider everyone around, and to minimize any "whims" and then as I wanted to do now, I would want to run away, when it was all too much....

But run away where?  when all my luggage is inside me.

Today a friend told me "C'est la vie" and this simple comment brought me back to reality.  We chose based on our values, and my values is to put those I love right in the front....my values is love.. love to those close to me, and love to those I don't even know... and when your value is love, you have to know that it is both a blessing and a curse... the price is high, but I also deeply know that the outcome, the joy, the sweet pain is also gratifying..

I guess, if I chose differently based on "if I was on my own"  I would not be me.  I would be someone else, and that too is a loss.  A loss I do not want to experience.

The power of nagging

As I was rushing to warm Hassan's clothes on the heater before he puts them on, I heard the horn.  It is the bus!! oops..we missed it.  I ventured into the cold balcony and waved at the bus to inform the driver to go away.  He did not see me, though and kept nagging with his horn.  I realized right from the very first moment that he is neither gonna see me nor my signaling hands, and yet I stood there, unable to go in and proceed with the morning marathon.  As long as he nagged, I stood. Then, I wondered, what is it about nagging that freezed me into inaction?  or what is it about me, may be?  why can't I ignore requests, horns, moans or complaints?  actually, it goes even further, I find it hard to ignore any comment, any criticism, any upset atom in the air.  The problem is that sometimes, I know that the request is illegitimate, or selfish or incorrect. Sometimes, I know that the signals will be futile and that it would have been more productive to go in and continue what I was doing. 

Even worse, sometimes I hear criticism that I know is vicious, is unfounded and yet I stand there listening, letting all those negative vibes penetrate me. 

Why do I do that?? when it is a waste of energy, time and waste of fun as well?  What if I decide to close the shelters at some point and let the wind blow outside?  why not?  It might seem difficult, but I have done it before and it has worked.  It is sometimes a visualization technique in which I am sheltered, and sometimes it is a switch in my head, through which I divert the ongoing blah blah blah outward and focus on what is important at hand.

And sometimes, it is a plain "stop and go" thing.  I stop the blah blah blah and go....May be I just have to be more aware and more firm, and let the nagging go somewhere else.