I have been struggling since the morning with many emotions that I wanted to put down here.. I did not know if any of them would come to a satisfying closure worth writing or not.. still this is the case. But since writing for someone like me is a sort of healing, I decided to write anyway.
I had a weird dream full of choices everywhere in Turkey, in UK and allover the world..and I kept asking but the one who had the answers was quite a miser with words..It was full of snow and there were lakes and white covered treees, and then I went and played with the snow, it was soft ...very soft and I cried. I stayed at a home that looked like my grandma's in Russia. and as I laid my eyes on it, I cried too..
Was it nostalgia to the time where I had fun? when my biggest challenge was how to catch up with the big boys? and to wait impatiently till I could go to the dance and to the movies?? when I was climbing the trees and pulling water out of the well and running like the wild happy kid I was? was it nostalgia to the people I loved and are no longer there? my grandma who took us our first day of arrival to the toy shop to get us a nice present? to the neighbourhood kids who came in the summer to visit their grannies? and to "Sveta" my neighbour, and "Lioba" and "Tania" my friends? with whom we shared little games and small secrets..
Or was it nostalgia to me, a younger, more carefree me? but whom am I fooling? I have always tried to do what is right, to consider everyone around, and to minimize any "whims" and then as I wanted to do now, I would want to run away, when it was all too much....
But run away where? when all my luggage is inside me.
Today a friend told me "C'est la vie" and this simple comment brought me back to reality. We chose based on our values, and my values is to put those I love right in the front....my values is love.. love to those close to me, and love to those I don't even know... and when your value is love, you have to know that it is both a blessing and a curse... the price is high, but I also deeply know that the outcome, the joy, the sweet pain is also gratifying..
I guess, if I chose differently based on "if I was on my own" I would not be me. I would be someone else, and that too is a loss. A loss I do not want to experience.
I had a weird dream full of choices everywhere in Turkey, in UK and allover the world..and I kept asking but the one who had the answers was quite a miser with words..It was full of snow and there were lakes and white covered treees, and then I went and played with the snow, it was soft ...very soft and I cried. I stayed at a home that looked like my grandma's in Russia. and as I laid my eyes on it, I cried too..
Was it nostalgia to the time where I had fun? when my biggest challenge was how to catch up with the big boys? and to wait impatiently till I could go to the dance and to the movies?? when I was climbing the trees and pulling water out of the well and running like the wild happy kid I was? was it nostalgia to the people I loved and are no longer there? my grandma who took us our first day of arrival to the toy shop to get us a nice present? to the neighbourhood kids who came in the summer to visit their grannies? and to "Sveta" my neighbour, and "Lioba" and "Tania" my friends? with whom we shared little games and small secrets..
Or was it nostalgia to me, a younger, more carefree me? but whom am I fooling? I have always tried to do what is right, to consider everyone around, and to minimize any "whims" and then as I wanted to do now, I would want to run away, when it was all too much....
But run away where? when all my luggage is inside me.
Today a friend told me "C'est la vie" and this simple comment brought me back to reality. We chose based on our values, and my values is to put those I love right in the front....my values is love.. love to those close to me, and love to those I don't even know... and when your value is love, you have to know that it is both a blessing and a curse... the price is high, but I also deeply know that the outcome, the joy, the sweet pain is also gratifying..
I guess, if I chose differently based on "if I was on my own" I would not be me. I would be someone else, and that too is a loss. A loss I do not want to experience.
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