It has been such a long time since I last came here and threw a pebble in the water. I guess it is a week or 10 days! quite a lot!! It isn't as if I have not missed coming here and saying something.. and realizing many things while I was saying it. I haven't stopped writing actually all this time. I did write in Arabic too some poems..but still, I missed writing, I missed the passionate discipline of coming here and talking and feeling...
So, what happened to me? actually nothing.. I am all safe and sound.. only too tired and too damn sleepy as I am writing now.. but like a lover who can no longer stand being away.. I come with teary eyes..
What happened?? it is what always happens to us: Life.. life with all its waves high and low, tender and violent, trivial and important..
Life has been keeping me busy.. but that does not mean that it did this to me.. I actually agreed to get busy..I got busy with a bit more hectic workload... then we had a vacation and I consciously decided to get fully busy with the kids..For some time, I have done mainly work and kids now..
But life has also been miraculously wondrous ( I am not sure this word will escape the spell check, really but I so like it:) ... since the NLP workshop, I have been eagerly trying to sustain the marble column-free status I was in...I am waking up ensuring to see that life is not what I thought. I am repeating myself may be, but I am now more able to share what it really was..
I recently realized (5 years ago) that life is sweet.. I did enjoy life before.. but at that moment, I realized that the difficulty in life does not, by any means, label it only as bad.. it is hard and happy..but my notion of my life, however, did not change. I thought my life was a struggle. A struggle that started before I even stepped into it. I always believed faithfully that I was destined to struggle all my life.. .and since that was my belief.. and in combination with the previous one, I sort of accepted it.. as part of having a joyous life..a meaningful presence..
But during the workshop, I realized that my life is not necessarily a struggle.. and that I am not necessarily destined to struggle till I die... My life was rich.. diverse.. like a fantastic indian movie, where there is orange, blue and yellow beaded dresses, love, anger & jealousy in a trio, tenderness, kindness, unfairness and justice..My life had it all..and I am not so old yet.. and I do not feel a bit old yet...
Whatever I had, was not because my lot in life was struggle...No! Whatever I had was only tender kind preparation... muscle training... just like the famous butterfly had to exercise a bit inside the cocoon before it flew :) Same here, I could not get into this Indian-movie-like life without the ability to dance, to see... to touch and feel.. to understand..accept and be..
And it made a whole difference to see a different intention of my life. I always believed God was merciful and generous and kind..but somehow I never applied it to why I had this life.. I used to think because He is wise, he gave me this life to suffer to become in the end what I am now.. I always thought that suffering was therefore an essential part..and that may be it was what led me to taste so vehemently the joie de vivre..
May be all this is true.. but what is even truer.. kinder.. and sweeter.. is knowing that God did not give me this life to suffer.. but to make me stronger.. tougher.. kinder.. and more delicate..able to soar..able to love..able to enjoy..and yet able to feel pain..mine and others' which is also a true blessing...compassion, it is called.
I am a butterfly..once a worm..struggling in the grass.. accepting the grass... loving the greenery.. fearful of bigger animals..but now a butterfly! For a few years, my wings were shy..my muscles were not yet always ready..they used to get wet easily with any drops of rain and droop...and I did not always manage to dry clean them on time..
But now, My wings are always ready.. all I have to do is take off my jacket and stretch them in all their magnificence.. colourful in orange, golden and blue hues.. rain drops only wash them... and I now look to higher more bluish skies... I visit clouds...sometimes with friends where we have our cocktails... and sometimes I go back to the grass..appreciatively... and then....hop...up again..where I belong :)
So, what happened to me? actually nothing.. I am all safe and sound.. only too tired and too damn sleepy as I am writing now.. but like a lover who can no longer stand being away.. I come with teary eyes..
What happened?? it is what always happens to us: Life.. life with all its waves high and low, tender and violent, trivial and important..
Life has been keeping me busy.. but that does not mean that it did this to me.. I actually agreed to get busy..I got busy with a bit more hectic workload... then we had a vacation and I consciously decided to get fully busy with the kids..For some time, I have done mainly work and kids now..
But life has also been miraculously wondrous ( I am not sure this word will escape the spell check, really but I so like it:) ... since the NLP workshop, I have been eagerly trying to sustain the marble column-free status I was in...I am waking up ensuring to see that life is not what I thought. I am repeating myself may be, but I am now more able to share what it really was..
I recently realized (5 years ago) that life is sweet.. I did enjoy life before.. but at that moment, I realized that the difficulty in life does not, by any means, label it only as bad.. it is hard and happy..but my notion of my life, however, did not change. I thought my life was a struggle. A struggle that started before I even stepped into it. I always believed faithfully that I was destined to struggle all my life.. .and since that was my belief.. and in combination with the previous one, I sort of accepted it.. as part of having a joyous life..a meaningful presence..
But during the workshop, I realized that my life is not necessarily a struggle.. and that I am not necessarily destined to struggle till I die... My life was rich.. diverse.. like a fantastic indian movie, where there is orange, blue and yellow beaded dresses, love, anger & jealousy in a trio, tenderness, kindness, unfairness and justice..My life had it all..and I am not so old yet.. and I do not feel a bit old yet...
Whatever I had, was not because my lot in life was struggle...No! Whatever I had was only tender kind preparation... muscle training... just like the famous butterfly had to exercise a bit inside the cocoon before it flew :) Same here, I could not get into this Indian-movie-like life without the ability to dance, to see... to touch and feel.. to understand..accept and be..
And it made a whole difference to see a different intention of my life. I always believed God was merciful and generous and kind..but somehow I never applied it to why I had this life.. I used to think because He is wise, he gave me this life to suffer to become in the end what I am now.. I always thought that suffering was therefore an essential part..and that may be it was what led me to taste so vehemently the joie de vivre..
May be all this is true.. but what is even truer.. kinder.. and sweeter.. is knowing that God did not give me this life to suffer.. but to make me stronger.. tougher.. kinder.. and more delicate..able to soar..able to love..able to enjoy..and yet able to feel pain..mine and others' which is also a true blessing...compassion, it is called.
I am a butterfly..once a worm..struggling in the grass.. accepting the grass... loving the greenery.. fearful of bigger animals..but now a butterfly! For a few years, my wings were shy..my muscles were not yet always ready..they used to get wet easily with any drops of rain and droop...and I did not always manage to dry clean them on time..
But now, My wings are always ready.. all I have to do is take off my jacket and stretch them in all their magnificence.. colourful in orange, golden and blue hues.. rain drops only wash them... and I now look to higher more bluish skies... I visit clouds...sometimes with friends where we have our cocktails... and sometimes I go back to the grass..appreciatively... and then....hop...up again..where I belong :)
