The Gift !?

To whom does the gift belong?  Is it to the giver? or the one presented it?

In Islamic religion, there is a quote that encourages gift giving as it increases human caring and good feelings.  In a positive posychology workshop, the professor said that gifts are basically not a good thing, because the giver sort of binds or obliges the person given the gift by this gift. In a book about negotiation, I have read about the reciprocity rule; which basically says that the natural reaction of being offered a gesture or a thing is to do the same back. So, in adverstisement, this might be used as a way to trick you!

But for me it is different.  I love giving gifts.  Let me pause here and wonder if my intentions are as pure as I think or not....Well, originally, to me, giving gifts is for two main reasons: to make the other happy, and as an expression of care and love.  The more I love someone, the more presents there is :) of course, there might be (probably is) a sweet, silent request to " Love me back", "Pamper me, too", but the main bulk of it is simply to extend love and bring joy.

Why we buy gifts, however, is different from one giver to another, one receiver to another and one situation to another.  But we have our own, sort of , reasons and patterns, even in giving. It is not as straightforward as it might look like.   Before, going further would you answer this question, please?

If you are taking sweets while you are invited for dinner for example, what do you usually do (not what you think should be done (nothing really should be done:)?

a- Pick your favorite sweets?
b- Pick the cheapest sweets, as it wouldnot matter much?
c- Pick the most generally popular sweets that most people would like?
d- Pick the fanciest and most expensive sweets to be in the safe side?
e- Pick the sweets you think your host would like?
f- Make your own sweets ? and why?

I have been told that I am talented in picking gifts.  I would remember that nice bag you looked at 6 months ago and I would search for it, when it is your birthday.  I would memorize your shoe size or ring size and get you that thing that matches your colour or the outfit you purchased a month ago.  To me, it is like bringing to your life what you would have liked to have and for some reason did not. 
Actually, as I reflect, I put myself in the other person's shoe or aura (if you want it more spiritual) when I buy them things.  It does not always work with my teen-age daughter though :)

To answser the question above, I would buy the fanciest for those I care about and do not know much about them and also if I think they are fancy people, who like expensive things. 
For those whom I do not care much, I would buy a popular box of sweets. For those I dislike, and have to get a gift, I might buy a cheap box, but not the cheapest.  And for those I love, I would definitely put myself in their shoes, remember the moments they were happy and what they liked and enjoyed and whether they like milk chocolates? Godiva? marzipan filled sweets or what other exotic flavor they savored.  I would also at special occassion, if I have time, do my very best to make them special sweets, even if small.  So, I change my giving pattern to match how I like the reciever and how much I know them and love them.  I buy blue things with some fancy details for my mum! I search for knowledge-stimulating stuff for my son (but I do not always find interesting stuff) and sometimes, I do things myself like writing letters or peoms or paiting ceramics to simply show that this is specially for you. 

The answer I beleive is: The gift belongs to the receiver, not the giver. 
When we give, is it because we want to give?  or is it because the receiver would be happier if he received?  and I am not talking about gifts.  I am talking about giving.  Giving care or concern, giving advice, time, giving tissues to wipe our tears, giving fun, or giving money...whatever we are giving.

If I am down, so terribly down, and I explicitly do not want to talk.  Should I be given by my friends care in the form of visits/ calls/ talks/ advice or should they not? or should I not? Is it about me more or them more? the giver or the receiver?

I believe that when we give we need to give what the receiver needs.  Giving should not be simply an opportunity to pour whatever we have on the poor/lucky receiver.  Giving is an opportunity to give the receiver what he wants or needs or delights in.  Otherwise, giving becomes only another selfish act! 

Giving a gift flavored with your touch is beautiful, but always let us think, does the receiver want this at all??
 

As a sauce pan!!

Like a saucepan that has been invaded and is empty....yet you still dig into it every second with a large big metal spoon! The sauce pan is screaming " there is nothing left! You are only scratching me!!"

Something inside of me (no, that is not true, let me rephrase it). 
Everything inside of me is screaming and pleading that this is not what I want still.  This was not the life version she signed for.  This is not the plan, nor the action. This is not fun, this is not it. This is not mine.  Right now, there are not so many burning turmoils in my head, which is a blessing...long forgotten.  Yet, there are a million tiny ants running in my brains...up and down actively reminding me every milli second of what I have to do the next second, and minute and day and week. And as if they are announcing war, they are playing drums in my head!

For reasons that are justifiable and logical and even necessary as well as urgent, my days have been filled with everything you can think of: team meetings, management meetings, errands to the supermarket, driving my son to the club and my daughter to her friends, and hair dresser, doctors, projects, deadlines, weddings, travel plans, studies, demos, presentations, shopping, tailor, championships, passports, IDs, consulates, and lots of other stuff!

Yet, this person inside of me is screaming for releif..release...relaxation... a break..where someone may offer a cup of tea...or say thank you or even smile...

NEVER serious enough!

I want to start the blog by swearing actually, but instead I will just write some angry and surprised exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

Months ago, I have written that if I am not serious enough, I will not be taken seriously.  Around 17 years ago, I realized that same damn lesson, while I was asking mildly, sheepishly, full of embarassement for a salary increase!  And what the hell have I done??  I am very sorry (apology to myself) but I am truly pissed off with my self.  How nice it is to be clever and have deep realizations and then only throw them in the basket or write about them in some revelatory style!!

Again and again, I do it.  Sometimes, I wake up and something turns stern inside of me. Something finally turns serious and logical and not so damn soft!!! I like being soft, but for God's sake, there are times when we, as human beings, living in a human-filled world with less-than-human conditions we need to be logical and hard at times.  Not necessarily mean or cruel or bad, but I cannot behave like molten cheese all the time, quite pathetic isnt it?  Only after melting over and over (and I can do this about any subject in the world!) do I finally feel that something went wrong, some unfairness, some ignoring, some lack of listening, some undesirable results...and only then, do I suddenly wake up and start shouting!!!

I thought a few weeks ago before going to the leadership retreat and while I was there that I need to access this range more often; the range between passive silence and angry roaring.  To be more assertive in other terms.  But, that, I see now (another realization, hope I will use it :)) is a quick fix, an over simplification of the matter.  For, I do often talk and express but never quite reflecting how serious this is for me.  Never quite backing my requests with enough force, as if I am afraid my force would hurt others... (again this stupid feeling of responsibility over the whole world! what a boring pattern!) And I see another reason, that is brand new...well almost: here it goes:  I do not know what is important for me!  I mean I know that my kids are the most important, but in the small details is this translated? when it comes to money for example; money is important for me and the kids and I need it to provide a nice life and education for the kids.  But on the other hand, I have my own beliefs or interests or rather lack of interest in money and so I do not always care about it enough.
For me, money is a tool.  A very important tool, nevertheless, always was and always will be a tool.  I am not by nature a maximization-interested person.  Things either fit me or they do not. and luckily, I have a wide range of things that fit me, and I do not feel ever that I want to keep maximizing gains, or scores or objects or positions or titles.  If it works for me and I am satisified and happy that is good.  I still do more, I give more, I learn more but not because of a need to maximize. 

So, here comes again the point, am I really clear about what I want and how I want to do it? How I want to live my life?  Before being clear with others, I have to know what is important for me, what I love and what I totally do not accept and then comes the second phase which is expressing it. 

I thought at a point that I should have a book of rules (not a literal book) but like a set of what I want, do not want, love and hate and also a red-fonted piece on what I will not accept.  But, it does not seem practical. How the hell, will I have that thing, when life offers you daily and hourly new situations?

May be the answer is to pause for a couple of minutes and ask my self this question "How do I want this to go?" and wait for an answer, not just let the question pop in the air with their fellow question marks that fill my life. 

And then take another 5 minutes or more to clearly, seriously express it.  And again wait for the answer that I get back and check "Is this answer Ok for me or not?"

Very simple process!!! have no idea why we do not do that! or at least, I do not usually.