How I have missed writing here. this is one of my most favourite place on this planet Earth. Like a child I rush to this white space where I pour me in little pieces and droplets on screen. I have missed writing here. I am carrying all my alphabets and all my cocktailed emotions and coming back. How good it feels. The reason for my writing is dual. First, I am preparing for the book, so I am keeping all the new stuff for the book. Second, I have been pretty weird lately (which is all more reason to write here, I know) but by weird I do not mean emotional, happy, sad, confused, optimistic, scared... No, I do not mean all these, though I have been these and more during the last few months. But by weird, I mean I have been detached....from myself...from what is happening to me. As if I see what is going on and realize that this is very painful... but only feel it from the surface, like a hot sauce pan that you do not want to dive in. I guessed that was another self-defense mechanism and that is why I did not resist it much.
It is not nice, however, because you are sort of living half a life, or living while you are kind of stoned. Not really nice, unless your life really sucks. And, it is not very easily called on and off. I mean it just happens and all the intensity in the emotion is gone. Sometimes, however, I find myself falling down into the hot tormenting volcanos of life. So, overall, I would not rate this state of "stoned" in my own sense as good. Not really.
What is good and brings a smile to my face is coming back here. it feels warm and I wonder about this missing thing. what is missing? is it a longing for the things we like and enjoy? is it a want that has grown so strong that it pulls us somewhere like a dog that pulls at its owner to see something? or a baby that nags at his mum to get him a toy?
Or is it rather an emotion that can only come when something is an innate part of you... or has been ushered inside and warmed and loved too fondly to tolerate being void of it?
Is it the same with people? I long for someone because of what? is it because they complement me or is it because they make me happy? or may be once again because they have become part of who I have become?
I surely do not know. May be all.. May be more. what I know is the rushing back into the arms of who or what you love.. as if you are coming back home after a long trip away, and the whole world is welcoming you in the airport with millions and millions of roses...and you rush to what you love.. who you love... and who you truly are..
It is not nice, however, because you are sort of living half a life, or living while you are kind of stoned. Not really nice, unless your life really sucks. And, it is not very easily called on and off. I mean it just happens and all the intensity in the emotion is gone. Sometimes, however, I find myself falling down into the hot tormenting volcanos of life. So, overall, I would not rate this state of "stoned" in my own sense as good. Not really.
What is good and brings a smile to my face is coming back here. it feels warm and I wonder about this missing thing. what is missing? is it a longing for the things we like and enjoy? is it a want that has grown so strong that it pulls us somewhere like a dog that pulls at its owner to see something? or a baby that nags at his mum to get him a toy?
Or is it rather an emotion that can only come when something is an innate part of you... or has been ushered inside and warmed and loved too fondly to tolerate being void of it?
Is it the same with people? I long for someone because of what? is it because they complement me or is it because they make me happy? or may be once again because they have become part of who I have become?
I surely do not know. May be all.. May be more. what I know is the rushing back into the arms of who or what you love.. as if you are coming back home after a long trip away, and the whole world is welcoming you in the airport with millions and millions of roses...and you rush to what you love.. who you love... and who you truly are..
