to go or not to go

It's again a new beautiful day....my cold which has chosen to be companion for this cold winter is starting to gain control over me.  My night was full of wake-ups, heartburns, ear-aches and may be some additonal hallucinations.   After sending the kids off to school, how I wanted to rush to my dear lovely warm bed and sip my coffee leisurely there!  I managed to induce enough self-discipline to keep me away from this magical tempting place with all its spells.. because I know as soon as my body hits the bed, a certain kind of coma just happens and there is no getting me back, no matter how loud or persistent you are..your calls will not be answered, and my appointments will be missed..

So, here I am at the living room, had my banana for breakfast and my coffee with me.  I feel so tempted to stay at home today and just let my aching body take its rest.   I am sick, aren't I ...should not I take it off?  But at the same time, I have this opportunity to attend a workshop that I so much wanted to before, and from a perspective of train the trainer, so that I might go and co-facilitate it or lead it later on.  The idea is tempting, thrilling and I love it. 

Yet, I can sense this internal dialogue, going on inside:
- I am so tired, I want to sleep..I am sick..very sick
- Yeah, you should rest.. even today is not an obligatory thing. you can do it later
- But I feel it is a nice opportunity. I want to get started. I love this
- But you consider almost everything an opportunity.. you jumped for work since you were 18 and you thought so too, and you jump at learning like crazy
- But, it really is an opportunity.. I mean all of them .. or not?..All I need is one day break in the middle of the week
- And your current work permits you to.. but you jump again to fill it in

So, it is a battle between going for it, giving what it takes and mainly pushing myself.... and on the other side, it is taking my time, getting more relaxed and pampering myself, I guess.  But too much relaxation for me is not good, either.

I have no answer really.  I will certainly hop off and run to the workshop after swallowing some vitamins to aid me through the day... but what is it that is right?  Is it pushing yourself to achieve your goals, persisting and putting in the effort to make sure you progress .. or should it be taking life less stressfully, listening to your body, giving room to adhoc needs for rest...
Which is it?  which is it that leads to our enjoyable life?  May be that's it.... may be enjoyment should be one of the criteria by which we evaluate our options.  I am sure when we were kids that was the main factor for selecting one game over another. 

Or may be it is this same harmonious balance of opposites that exist in this world.  I see a pattern that embraces all things and its opposite in one, and only in that sense it becomes perfect.  Like when I say I am so small in this world, which gives a true perspective of how trivial some things are, and at the same time, I know how significant I am, because I have an impact on myself, on my friends and on the whole universe in one way or another.  And it is only in striking this frequency of balance between "doing and being" "relaxation and work" and many other things, that true happiness emerge and that the perfect world displays itself.   It is as if in order to have the blue we cannot have the green only but a yellow must exist, and this applies to work and rest, too.. Without rest, we can;t work and without work rest does not make us feel any more rested.  

So, the trick is finding that balance or at least a harmonious co-existence between them all and between all the voices battling inside of us.

My beautiful self

Never betray yourself.. never leave her behind or turn your back to her…

This is your closest friend, your supporter, your co-existence..

This is the one, through whom, you get to see the world, to feel the world, to grow, to love, trust, savour every moment, every tiny bit of life..

If you leave her benind, your visions will be blurred, and the foods of life will taste the same…

If you leave her behind, you wont find any more doors, no more ways, and you will see around you the limitations of life, you will be confined because you chose to leave your potential behind, your one true key to existence..

 Go back to yourself, love her, be gentle to her, look inside.

You will find somewhere very deep a secret garden as big as you want,As colourful as you can imagine, where the smells of flowers will intermingle, the fragrance will fill your senses, and a fresh breeze clean you inside out.

 And then, you will get reconciled with yourself..

And only then, can you find peace with the world..

You will see waters that you have never seen before.

Have a far glimpse of shores you never knew existed..

Reach depths and heights that make you taller

And feel so lighthearted like a feather, with songs in your mind and colours in your eyes, and every fruit on land will taste differently and every beauty will present itself to you.. even out of hardship..

Never lose sight of your true self, sitting back there in your depths, patiently, waiting for the lesson to precipitate, yet persistent like a wise old grandma, tenderly waiting for her children to come back..

Yet understanding their confusion..

 Tiptoe to the sky.. grow.. free yourself.. love yourself.. believe in her.. she is you..

Prayers for all please

yesterday, my friend at work told me the bad news he received that a friend of theirs was shot.  I tried quickly not to register the news or at least not to get involved in it.  I no longer could tolerate that and I wanted to push it aside from my sheet of facts quickly lest it would trigger again those feelings of pain, sorrow, helplessness and a huge dark ball of unfairness.  The unfairness is not that we die, the unfairness seems to me is why and how we die.

Since the Ultras event, I have been finding it very difficult to come back to myself, to skip a day without wondering how their parents feel, how the days start and end for them while they know they no longer have this son in the other bedroom.  Knowing more about it makes me cry, get headaches and eventually a feeling of fear creeps for my children.  I find myself for the first time in my life fearing that my kids go out.  Fearing that I go out late, lest my kids would wake up one day and have no mother to cling to.

Today,   I wake up to find  an sms that the lady who died, May God generously cover her with mercy and peace, and give her family and friends consolation, patience and faith., that she is the sister of a friend of mine.  I see the pictures posted on facebook for her and her daughter and my heart breaks.  I do not want to talk about it here because it is too personal .. it is not my life and I do not feel I have the right to probe into it..and it makes me cry too..so, let us talk about it in general terms..

If my tears fall, and my head seems to be going to pieces, what about the families of those people?  killed, shot, strangled like little Anas in Ultras (may he rest in peace and mercy) what about them?
And what is happening in Egypt?   Why are we going through this?  I am fed up, of hearing about one more fellow human being dying for no obvious reason..

How could people be so cruel, how could we, human beings metamorphose into a less-than-an-animal being? 

I have nothing, once more to offer, except prayers for all those who were killed, for all their families, and another prayer that God may protect our families, friends and kids, and all innocent people...may He protect all the blessings we take for granted..

Deepen the learning, Forward the action!

I am approaching life these days - finally- as I am, as a coach in addition to many other things.  As a coach, we sort of know where the essence is, the essence from which all things spring...not that we know the essence itself or we know everything, God forbid, it is just that we have learnt and been trained and applied on ourselves and with others those secrets.  One of them is the title above "deepen the learning and forward the action".   For action without meaning becomes consequently, in most cases, meaningless and learning without action becomes.....what is the word?.. it sucks.

I have been thinking lately about the power of intention, the ideas so soundly backed up in things like "The Secret".  I am not against them.  Never was.  On the contrary, I am a true beleiver that everything starts inside first, everything is created internally inside us, and this in itself is a catapult for their existence. 

Yet, take me for example.  I have been intending to do so many good things in the last year.  I started working on some, then stopped, then back again then a short break, followed by a longer one.. then the pattern continues and becomes a series of breaks that vary in duration, and bursts or short periods of activity.   In the end, I find myself with my intentions and my grandiose plans.  But when they stay inside for so long without materialization, without oxygen; they sort of become stagnant and start to rot.  They say there is no failure, only feedback (in NLP) and in coaching terms we say "fail often" and we actually do celebrate failure (with a Ta Da!) but what about stagnancy, what kind of feedback is that?  I guess failure too, but it feels like a less positive failure because the learning in a way remains the same.  There is no new ways to unlearn, there is no new feedback coming in.  There seems to be only one damn feedback " You are lazy!" 

So, intention powerful as it is, is not enough.  I have to pull it out, some time after fermenting inside so that it comes out to the real world. 

I keep saying to my kids " use it or loose it" I talk about their brains and their bodies, their talents and the potential I see in them, and I have been quoting myself with this one this week.    So, my point is, that at a certain moment you just need to shut up, and move.  Go for it, and do some action, in the right direction of course, but it should not be so difficult to miss the right turn when you have been studying the map for so long..

This weekend was not like the last blog of "welcome weekends" which turned about to be a maigre attempt to bring quality life and energy into my weekends.  It was an attempt to be respected, all attempts are, but this weekend I no longer attempted, I woke up at 7 well 7:30 and I moved right into the direction of my intention.   Without pressure, for you never know the future, and pressure seems ridiculous if you think that for example the world would end, or you personally would end in an unknowm moment.  So, no pressure, just walk there toward your direction. 

I started the lessons for my son, I exercised, I worked on my career plans, I studied for my masters degree, I enjoyed  breakfast in my sunny garden with the family, I visited my dad, I tidied the house (partially to be honest).  To be totally honest, they were all small steps, but....all towards my intention... no pressure attached, no deliverables smiling threateningly at me from afar.. only me walking with loved ones towards my intention..

and yes, when I use my brain, it wakes up.  When I appreciate my body and give it some mild healthy exercise, it becomes more energetic.  Laziness brings a slower rhythm, activity brings more to life...not only more actions, but also more intentions...and a feeling that yes, I am living MY life.

Que Sera Sera 12/12/2012

I know a friend who is getting completely scared about the a/m date.  The rumours that it is going to be the end of the world has really got to him.  He has been purchasing all sorts of things to store at home, and is making plans to avoid the unavoidable. I know other friends who were planning a wedding on that special day.  For me, it is special alright since it is my birthday! 

Today as I was talking to my dad, trying to entertain him I mentioned the cold wave all over the world and how the weather yesterday in Cairo was warm and today all of a sudden it is cold and windy and back to 8C after being 24C! and then we said the usual comment of "the world is changing" then it struck me "what if it is actually the end of the world?"  Immediately, a sense of relief washed over me.  it was so quick and comfortable that amid the conversation, I wanted to go back to that moment and try to find out what was it that brought comfort and peace so as to cling to a bit more..

What if the end of the world is kind of soon?  then I would not need to worry, I guess.  Then I would not purchase items - unlike my friend- because it would not change destiny anyway.  Then, I would not wake up everyday feeling like I have to do something, to achieve, to make a record,  I would wake up - may be- opening new doors, trying new things but without this huge attachment to deliverables...to success..

what else?  I would love more freely, reject more quickly, accept that it is not my fault since life would be too short, and so that would be the reason why I could not do what I had to..  God! what is this eternal student-like feeling?  you know the feeling that you have studies to be done, and you are watching TV, trying to enjoy it but feeling too guilty?? wasting time but knowing deep inside that you shouldn't? what can we call that?  A sick sense of responsibility? 

If life would end, I would take each day without the urge to finish it with a concrete deliverable. 

I guess, if life would end, I would not feel cornered each day to prove that I am good enough, successful enough, useful enough...I would just go on in my path and let whatever happens happen or as we say "Que sera sera.."

how heavy am I?

I wonder sometimes is life an eternal struggle between those yellow-purple butterfly-wings that I have so persistently anchored on my shoulders and those heavy black metal balls chained to my feet?

Is it always like that?  No sooner do I rise up to the first cloud, than I found myself dropping down again...but who am I to complain, when thank God so far my family is safe... what about those families who woke up to no longer find a son... to drag themselves and bury their kids..if my pain for them has become so black inside... so dark and foggy like a broken TV, making me unable to think or write or dientangle emotions?  what about their pain... a threshold I do not want to pass even in my brains.. can;t even imagine..

They say the colour of our flag has new meanings now: the red is the blood...our blood that has been shed.. the white is the burial cloth and the black is the grave...  the eagle is the responsible for all that.

I have no words to write, blackness have taken all over, words seem so fragile and meaningless... nausea fills my throat...and all I can do right now is pray.