who we are...

In most of my coaching sessions, this question pops up for the client "who am I?" who this person really is.   Sometimes, there are artistic talents long forsaken, and the client realizes that she is not only the process and procedures guy, but also an artist.  Sometimes, she does not know who she really is.  Sometimes her original features are smeared by the surroundings, by the energy in the house that has been absorbed, by the instructions recited for too long, by the models that exist around in a very limited space.

Other times, we lose our characteristics, our realness through fear.  Fear of grabbing life offerings, shying away from them as if we have not seen them, scared lest we stretch our hands, and we do not find our names written on the label!  Other times, it is our laziness to move out of bed, to throw away our inertia, so we cling to a status quo that we do not like.  We cuddle in a comfort zone that we have gotten used to for so long, long after it has become so uncomfortable!

Like now, as I am sitting on my favorite place in the couch I realize that the cushion supporting my back is not comfy at all...and only as I write this,  I move my hands to adjust it.  Simple it is sometimes, more difficult at others.. but we just keep reclining on a mal-adjusted cushion for too long.

Other times, it is our lack of ..what can I call it? is it "guts?.. mojo..spirit may be..  When we take short cuts, while we know that the bumpy road is the one we need to follow, and yet, easier... we choose the short cut.  A short cut like that turns out to be like the one in Red Riding hood, where we meet the fox or the wolf or in best cases we get lost.  Sometimes, we take the good life, the pleasure approach to happiness. When we know we should get out of bed, but we don't. When we need to work harder, but we procrastinate.  When we promise to quit smoking but we wait.  When we pretend that exam deadlines are not that soon.. and that the presentation we need to prepare is not next week..

It is like when we have those symptoms; a headache or a muscle pain or a re-current stomach-ache, but instead of going to a physician, it is easier to take the short cut and swallow some analgesics.  We do this all the time.  We justify saying there is nothing.. but in reality we are either afraid that there might be something, or we are too lazy to get up and check. 

I guess what I am saying is that to maintain who we truly are needs a lot of discovery, heaps of bravery.. active actions... collecting energy..standing up to the world. .and sometimes standing up to ourselves..

But it is worth it :)

Heartbeats..

What is it about heart beats guys?? we say we realized it in a "heartbeat" because heartbeats are fast.. too fast..and too "automatic" may be?? 

We say "he's a heartbeat away from making a huge discovery" which means he is almost there..

I listen to a song and it starts with "my heart skips skips skips.. a beat"...and I know there are many other songs with hearts beating in them.. hearts that skip a beat.. hearts that beat too fast.. hearts that stop their beats...

Old songs such as la vie en rose, also talk about "the coeur qui bat".. the heart that beats when she listens to tender love words...

Even in horror movies.. there are loud heart beats..loud enough for the audience to hear..

It could be love, the first reason of course..it could be anticipation.. worry... fear...joy..sorrow.. parting..exams.. presentations.. surprises..

It all comes down to our heartbeats..and I think "pauvre coeur".. our poor hearts how much will it take?  It dances, jumps, sleeps, and bounces.. it stops.. and it floods.. and then tries to create its own pacemakers through life's ups and downs...

Funny weird and complex creatures we are!  perfect creatures we are!  all whilst we are not aware of our perfection...not always aware of the miracle we manifest... of the essence from which we are... but look at it this way; if our heart does all this only to rhyme with our tunes.. what are we capable of? What other tunes can we create?

Sweet Slumber...

Today is Saturday.. an official weekend day..Isn't it?? But I had so many plans.. first I wanted to assist a friend with some work.. then I wanted to attend a revision for NLP previous course.. which was much needed, because there has so much happened since last workshop that I have forgotten some stuff..lots of stuff !
And before that, I had to assist the cleaning lady in cleaning my room.. and after that I have a coaching session with a client.
And, I wanted to prepare breakfast for the kids before I go and take a shower! What a busy day!

I woke up by 8:30...getting ready for the tidy up, the shower, the breakfast, and the NLP..and since NLP and my friend's work were at the same time, I had to apologize to my friend, unfortunately...

I could not get out of bed before 9:15 ..."still possible to join the workshop a bit late" I thought...but then.. lazy sleepiness  was still on my face.. the lyrics of a song were in my head...the relaxation of a weekend was resistant to move..

I made breakfast, had the shower and was getting ready.. when the presence of the moment of sweet slumber occupied the room...and I decided consciously to savor sweet slumber...I had coffee, listened to songs.. went out to my sunny garden, looked up to a miraculously peaceful baby blue and white sky....and I surrendered to the moment..

So what if I let it all pass as if I am not part of all the tasks, the chores..the meetings.. so what? if sweet slumber takes over me for a day...and I enjoy...without guilt..

In coaching we learn the difference between doing and being...and today, a beautiful sunny Saturday, I am in the beautiful being of myself in this spring-like world. I am foregoing all around...I am here now enjoying the little delicacies of life.

I am letting go... "laisse tomber tout le monde" I tell myself.. for one day, not catastrophic.. I wish I helped my friend, but I had to go to NLP... and NLP well.. I will revise from home in my beige welcoming couch...enjoy the warmth of my beautiful kids.. and enjoy conscious choice-ful surrender to a moment that seems perfect..

If I do not surrender on Saturdays..when  will I ??

The question is......when are you going to surrender too?  when will you consciously push aside all the content filling of the day.. and simply be... in the joy of the moment... in a very sweet slumber??

Healing....way back home..

London- Chelsea park

You have been with me for some time now.. you have shared how I exited heaven.. then how I went there again... you might know that, despite all, I am not always happy..I might seem crazy, too complex, too sensitive.. and that is all true.  I am no more ashamed to admit it joyfully and with pride.

I could put down  a long bullet numbered list of reasons and justifications why I go up to the skies.. get hit by lightning.. fall to the ground.. and then rise again.  It might not be understandable for everyone, and I might not be willing to expose myself to that extent.... no longer, however, for fear of what I have inside.. no more scared to be me.. no more of that..

But may be the difference now is that I know my way back home.  I know various roads..some short and tricky.. others long and easy..and yet, I am sure there are even more ways to carry me back.. and I have devised new tricks of leaving bread crumbs all the way, like Hansel &Gretel.... little words sprinkled here and there.. so that when I can't properly see the keyboard with my teary eyes.. I can still touch my way back..

Some research needs to be done, first.  Some paths need to be explored..and some wrecks need to be cleared away from the streets... GPS is not available... hidden historical maps?may be..

It may be as easy - or difficult- as opening your heart to a friend.  It might be drawing, or dancing or skiing or sculpting.. or any other hobby that you may chose to explore.. It might have been there lying in your attic for long..or a new area of life for you to discover.. 

It might be taking a walk in the forest.. or on the banks of the Nile..or the Seine, or the Thames or the beloved Volga..It might be taking yourself out to the park, picnic in hand, and getting into an "all ears" status..

Most of the above would work for me to lesser or greater degrees... but I found my way out..through writing!

Today, a zillion feelings raced through me..My day was slow.  I dozed on and off.   I opened google, checked my emails.. nothing interesting.. closed google and opened it again.   Today, I opened my blog every half an hour.. expecting nothing and finding that, too; nothing.  Dozing off wherever I parked..the day did not move.  I pushed the hours away.. but they wouldn't bulge.  I went to the supermarket,  but that was not ,for the first time, time-consuming enough..

Then I sat down and wrote.. I wrote it all... all the emotions that came to feast on me today..I asked them all.  And as I was sketching them with my pencil, I saw other shabby emotions draped in multi-layered gray.  I could not recognize its face..new to me..but then with a bit of more sketching here they were all standing in-front of me.  I saw myself.  And then, I knew what I had to do.  I looked around at the green scenery on my canvas.. I turned it right.. put some light, and then I found it.. the spot where I want to be...only a few steps away.. I moved.   I stood there in that sunny green spot.  A feather was lying on the grass, and I thought may be this is the thing"that perches in the heart; hope".  I sat there silently.  Then I stood.  I looked up high.  I raised my head..and breathed in the sun.  Still feels comfortable. Decision made. This where I stand.   I decide to check for rentals..

And here I am.  BACK!  My soul goes through transitions... healing comes with the movement of my spirit from one planet to another.. from one spot to the next, until it resonates.. until that spot welcomes me as much as I..her.

We shall all fall...shall all spend some time in a mezzanine floor.. hanging out at floors that are not ours..that is OK.   But where is your emergency exit? what is your healing process? If anything is important, then that is.. What is your healing process???   I am blessed to have writing, which excavates all the swelling facts and emotions.  And then, things automatically and swiftly come in place.  Then, I see.  I choose.  I go back home.

I listen to her..the cherry tree

As I walk back or forward - for the matter- towards Trocadero, I see her...how could I not?  Standing there like a posing bride in full awareness of her glamour…on both sides are her brides maids, standing slightly to the back, knowing gracefully that it is not their turn yet.. manifesting a more slender type of glamour..

There she stood, unable and unwilling to hide her festive joy “Today, I burst with love.  Look at me, all in white, I celebrate new life” I gaze at her enchanted like a 5-year old girl in a wedding.   I joyfully look down to collect the white rice dots sprinkled upon her for her good luck and now fallen to the grass..

I try to leave… but as a naughty kid, I just can’t help it, I approach… and now that I am close enough, I stretch my arms and pick a bead from her embroidered dress... I am about to run away quickly but I know that, in her joy, she will forgive me..

I continue ahead (now I know it is ahead J) ,  I become aware of another Asian guest taking a photo of her… and I am a bit surprised by how close the writing muse and I have become closely connected during this trip.  I realize how – for the pietons in Paris- I might have looked a bit weird.  Holding a notebook and a pen – rather than a brush or a camera-  standing there… staring at her from all angles as if a certain shot was bound to happen “ I was simply listening to her” I say in my defense for any probable accusation.

I am thinking of calling a friend and giving out all the news about this incessable urge for writing…...” It is like when you are at the beach.. you think of the sea.. you know how good it feels.. you want to go there and you have dipped there many times before, but you cannot by any means get wet until you are actually in it- except God forbid- by some splashes of creativity..

But once you are there and you can immerse in it… it is totally different.  You are still the same person- dry only a few moments ago- but you can take from it and fill your buckets..you can let water penetrate each hair in your locks..and eventually water will have to go into your eyes.. in your nose and even your head..

Then, you can get all salty. wet, blue fresh as much as the sea..