I guess I have to give up something..

Dear Blog,

I am writing today because I am very confused.  I have always loved a life that is full.  At work, whenever I took a job in, it usually started calmly (except my one which was chaos right from the start), and then I took on things.. and then I created things.. and those things had babies and sisters and families and all of a sudden I would find myself, literally not finding a spare minute.

I started working early on at 18 keeping myself busy.  Even my part-time, free-lance fun job as movie translator.. I managed to turn it hectic and over-loading.  I took more and more and stayed up late translating for the deadline.

I had no financial responsibilities then,  I mean of course it was pretty nice and self-inflating to get well paid when I was 18, but it was never money that motivated me. 

And now it is not much different. I have left the multinational world and work as a part time HR head in a local company, which I assume should have been less hectic.  In a year, I have managed to do the same thing. I over loaded myself with objectives every year as if life would end after this. As if I have one damn chance to finish it all.  Pretty psycho... isn't it?

The problem is, I have dreams.. big and colourful.. I have a lot of dreams.  There is my company that I am currently creating with the documentation, the website, the brochure, the services... there is this blog, there is the book I am DYING to write, and it is crying out to get out of me every second of the day!  There are of course my kids and my family. There are my friends.. lots of friends..

Shall I go more: diving trips, trips abroad; both are essential oxygen to a true Sagittarius.  Parents, that I love and want to take care of.  My second Masters degree, in which, for no urgent reasons, I enrolled a year ago and did nothing about so far.. except studying every now and then..

Favours and support I do to others whenever I can.

Coaching, which I do little of .

Workshops. Fun and lovely

The problem truly is not in being occupied all the time. That is not it.  Problem is not being unable to have fun, cos' I do have fun!

Problem is, My dreams... colourful as they are... always somehow end up last in the list.. never done.  And something in me is screaming loudly : YOUR BOOK!!!!!! YOUR COMPANY!!! YOUR COACHING!!! These voices, unfortunately, are insatiable, just like me.  They ask for many things. I wish they would ask for one.  Get satisfied with one..

I always think I will be on time for an appointment.  I always think there is enough time to take a shower, linger with a cup of coffee... get nicely dressed and get there on time.  But, I almost never do!! and never change!

Is it the same syndrome: ME : the unbeatable?? ME who can take it all? whether it is obligations, invitations, requests, meetings, outings, trips, even pains.. me who can take it all??
Well, that is quite a positive look at myself I guess.  It must be far better than thinking I can't take any of it.  As I write this, I remember times when I did say that actually "I can't do this anymore".  I remember times when my oxygen levels were metaphorically speaking low and I had to get out. 

I don't say NO. That is another issue.  No is a big no no.. No can hurt others.  No can deprive me of chances and opportunities.  No, means not going through an open door, that might be closed later on. 

A sentence rings in my ears.  A sentence I read when I was studying coaching, the module on Balance. Let me fetch it for you guys.  Here it is

" Balance is about learning to say no, not only to the yucky, drippy stuff that no one wants anyway, but to the good stuff too." " That apple pie looks mighty good, but I AM FULL. Thank you, but NO." It's about learning to be done rather than trying to always finish and about choosing the experiences we want to have rather than dashing about trying to have all of them."

I guess as I copy this down..what I feel is : I REST MY CASE.  I Guess I have to give something up.  FOR NOW... But they are all my babies.. how can I do that?? But unless I have been blessed with being pregnant in sextuplets (6 babies) that is not very likely to happen? Right?? So, it seems as if I am pregnant in one or max. 2 and for no urgent reasons (again) I am adopting babies.. which is a fine cause.. but why at the same time??

I guess... what I have to do is identify my original babies...and postpone adoption for a while.. Also, In real life with babies.. you do not really keep planning everyday ( I tried.. I swear and it did not work at all) you just go and do what it takes at the time.. just go and finish the task at hand because the baby is crying.  And right now.. I can hear one baby crying louder than the rest; MY BOOK....

Thank you blog :)

Nothing at all...

I wake up with a myriad of emotions.. they are so many.. so confused.. so agitated and muffled at the same time, that it is literally impossible to decipher or even describe..

I will try to list some, so you know where I actually am... I am bored to death.. the Internet is very slow.. I am going out and I "should" get ready and I hate the process of getting ready.. the day seems to have so much to go .. yet it does not move .. I am also excited about projects and travels..I feel far more relaxed than before.. yet.. it feels like there are still a million pirana fish inside of me nibbling on my guts..while I am writing this.. and yet.. remember I am bored still... the boredom that feels like waiting.. and you do not even know what you are waiting for ...

Anyway, there is also a feeling of being victimized, guilt, fairness, struggle, hope, ambition, surrender.. well, I changed my mind.. the list can almost include all human emotions at the same time.. that would be too long and boring.. but it also brings me to the point of this article..

Yesterday, after receiving some wonderful comments from a couple of friends, I wondered "am I playing it small? Have I not done my share.. If I really have all those qualities or skills or abilities?"

And since this cotton candy-like puff of emotions was also still inside of me yesterday.. but to a far greater extent.. it felt quite suffocating and I kept wondering "what should I do? what should I do?"  "I do not know what the hell should I do?"

The next thing I did was sit down and plan on the calendar for the rest of the year.  My list included studying, kids, sports, work and projects, writing, learning to play guitar and paint, creating new workshops content, and finalizing my company's website, brochure and business plan.trips with family.. trips on my own... WOW.. right?? for unknown reasons, when I looked at the list I did not feel impressed and yet.. it did not bother me much.. but it left me wondering.. again.."is this all I can do...or ... is this more than I can do? . what the hell should I do?"

"You do not have to do anything" my friends said.
Then one of my friends continued " it is not about you not doing enough.. this is very limiting..just go with the flow... just embrace life.. as it is ... be yourself.."  Her words went into my heart immediately but an echo of similar words I voiced long ago.. came by ..too..reminding me..

At coaching, we once had a visualization exercise, and in that one I met my future self (20 years from now) and I asked her for advice " enjoy life.. and do what you feel is right" she said.  What I feel... not what the world dictates.. and now the words of "embracing life" seem to fill my room.. I know them.. I wrote them.. I said them.. and they came back to me when I needed them...

It is a futile fight anyway... there is actually no fight at all... with life you take what it gives you.. you welcome it .. hate it .. but you get it anyway.. you can wish for it.. invite it.. call it.. you can run away from it.. pretend it is not there.. rejoice or denounce.. you can do a million things you see .. it is not as if you are helpless.. not at all.. you are far more powerful.. and you have got magical powers recipe  hidden ins some shelf within the yellow pages..but powerful and magical as you are.. you do not fight with the days.. you take them in... embrace life.. and then go... or if you wish fly..