The Yellow Raincoat

Like a baby in my dreams, this book was.  When I was 9 I planned to be a writer.  I only remember that because I answered a quiz at the end of a story and when faced with the question what do you want to be? I kept thinking a lot and the only answer was " A writer".

Immersed in work, and life as we usually know it, the dream was gone, the pen was useless and practicallity was all over the place :)

Untill I studied coaching and dreams sort of re-incarnated...thoughts filled my head and emotions sprung from my heart and I started writing and talking ...

Then Reem came and told me while we were working "Why dont you write a book, honestly?" and I could not shove it off so easily

Then, I sat at a cafe writing some notes to myself and looked up and here it was; a message in big bold font "Why don' you write a book?" that was the name of the book on the shelf above me!!

Then I got some coaching on the book, but my fears were stronger.  What if they dont like it?  What if it is not important? What if what I want to share has been shared before? What if nobody cares?  And then I thought "If I write I book, it must be something awesome" and that was another restriction I put on myself.  I thought it had to be an invention...and that paralysed me.

Then I met an online marketing guy "Mito" who was very helpful and we passionately started talking about our passions :) and I said " Who will read a book in English in Egypt and who might be interested in those ideas about love, life and happiness and stuff like that?" and he showed me a book of a friend of his, with the same description!

Eman, my friend, then decided to publish her first book of poetry! and encouraged me to move on...She wanted to show me how doable that was!!! and later she revised my blogs and gave me her comments and checked the spelling when I could not check anymore...

And somehow in the middle of this was the blog, dont even know how I created it and I started writing and writing and could not stop.

The publisher Amani whom I contacted, called me back and another part of the journey started.

Talks with Moushira, my friend inspired me, fed my soul so that I had to rush back and write.

Friends from NLP distributed the blog to others.  Other Friends shard on fb and commented.  Some critiqued the blogs with me leading to enriching discussions... others loved me through them...

You, gentle readers have viewed the page, gave me comments that inspired me and encouraged more than you could imagine.  Knowing that someone out there finds a feeling or a word or an experience that is akin to him and can relate to my expression of it were wings for me!

And there are so many to thank...and so much to be grateful for!

And one final thing, please do check my page on facebook about the book. It is called the Yellow Raincoat (Not Justin Biber's song and I did not take it from him :) and tell me what you think...

May GRATITUDE AND LOVE cuddle you tonight.
 

Gifts from a year

Another year is coming to end soon... and reflectively I look back .  What a year!!! very tough.  I broke down...literally.  and then I got up again.  Many things happened, some things needed to happen a long time ago, but I guess still everything happens on its own time.  Sad things, happy things, shaky me :)

1- The good news is bad things pass and if you make it a priority that they pass in a good way.  If you clear yourself of all or most bad intentions and focus on your priorities, your priorites will hopefuly go undamaged.

Everything passes.   and you can make them pass in better or worse scenarios.  It takes effort sometimes, patience, prayers but hopefuly they do pass well.  Nothing so far is the end of the world!

2- Asking for help, another lesson that I learnt at the leadership program I recently have been enrolled in.  Seeking help is not only normal or good or advisable.  It is a must.  I can not do it on my own!  It took me years and years to realize that I, too, like all other human beings might not be able to do something on my own or go through a phase on my own.  Sometimes you need help! So, go and ask for it.

3- A repeated lesson that is sometimes dimmed is that life is good. I totally agree that sometimes it sucks, I mean you really feel like it is your enemy ....yet, it is not.  Bad things happen, dreams get shattered, but new dreams are re-born too.  So, overlooking the whole picture, life is actually a good journey to enjoy.

4- If you do not work on your priorities, your life will not be satisfactory.  If you have issues with your husband or your kids or at work, somethings need to be done.  And if you can not do it alone, refer to lesson 2 and just ask for help. Help can be professional, formal or informal...whatever!

5- It is terribly awesome to have a dream come true!! so, it is really worth even if it sometimes does not look like it :)

6- Life is not about objectives and planning.  It stressed me out like hell.  And though I do plan now, I very much know that my life is not a calendar and I am not the master of the universe!  I plan, I do (and sometimes I dont) and it is fine.  As long as I am moving, then it is fine.  Waking up sometimes late is not so good, and I want to change that, but it is ok.  Be lenient with the universe; you are not its master...be lenient with yourself; she is doing her best!

7- Take a break before you break down... preferrably than after.

8- Talking is a real good way of communication.  Seems like a very known thing, I know.  But I am not sure we always use it with our stakeholders (excuse me for this dry word), I mean with those who matter to us and about things that matter to us.  It might not work with everyone. It might not work in every situation but it is quite a useful tool...do not burn bridges easily.

9- Fill your days with new things that you enjoy.  It is like getting an oxygen injection!! makes you feel much younger. My mistake at one point though was to keep filling the days with nice things and when still my days did not get any better, I kept filling them more and more...not aware that the pot itself is breaking and that I should have emptied before filling it anew! Fix the pot, then fill it with something tasty...and in a relaxing mood and some breeze in your life...savour them!  not while you are running in the streets to catch a bus.  Pretty stupid to fill your pot with hot soup while you are running :) I can tell you it pours out and it burns ...

10-  Difficult to change behavior.  What works for me is asking myself "what is at stake here?" and then if it is really worth it, I can do it.

And finally ,  I want to tell you I published my book:) and I am soooo happy to touch it and feel it in my hands...to read my words and see the alphabets and the pictures.... it is truly something to have  a dream come true, like rainbows.
 

The Gift !?

To whom does the gift belong?  Is it to the giver? or the one presented it?

In Islamic religion, there is a quote that encourages gift giving as it increases human caring and good feelings.  In a positive posychology workshop, the professor said that gifts are basically not a good thing, because the giver sort of binds or obliges the person given the gift by this gift. In a book about negotiation, I have read about the reciprocity rule; which basically says that the natural reaction of being offered a gesture or a thing is to do the same back. So, in adverstisement, this might be used as a way to trick you!

But for me it is different.  I love giving gifts.  Let me pause here and wonder if my intentions are as pure as I think or not....Well, originally, to me, giving gifts is for two main reasons: to make the other happy, and as an expression of care and love.  The more I love someone, the more presents there is :) of course, there might be (probably is) a sweet, silent request to " Love me back", "Pamper me, too", but the main bulk of it is simply to extend love and bring joy.

Why we buy gifts, however, is different from one giver to another, one receiver to another and one situation to another.  But we have our own, sort of , reasons and patterns, even in giving. It is not as straightforward as it might look like.   Before, going further would you answer this question, please?

If you are taking sweets while you are invited for dinner for example, what do you usually do (not what you think should be done (nothing really should be done:)?

a- Pick your favorite sweets?
b- Pick the cheapest sweets, as it wouldnot matter much?
c- Pick the most generally popular sweets that most people would like?
d- Pick the fanciest and most expensive sweets to be in the safe side?
e- Pick the sweets you think your host would like?
f- Make your own sweets ? and why?

I have been told that I am talented in picking gifts.  I would remember that nice bag you looked at 6 months ago and I would search for it, when it is your birthday.  I would memorize your shoe size or ring size and get you that thing that matches your colour or the outfit you purchased a month ago.  To me, it is like bringing to your life what you would have liked to have and for some reason did not. 
Actually, as I reflect, I put myself in the other person's shoe or aura (if you want it more spiritual) when I buy them things.  It does not always work with my teen-age daughter though :)

To answser the question above, I would buy the fanciest for those I care about and do not know much about them and also if I think they are fancy people, who like expensive things. 
For those whom I do not care much, I would buy a popular box of sweets. For those I dislike, and have to get a gift, I might buy a cheap box, but not the cheapest.  And for those I love, I would definitely put myself in their shoes, remember the moments they were happy and what they liked and enjoyed and whether they like milk chocolates? Godiva? marzipan filled sweets or what other exotic flavor they savored.  I would also at special occassion, if I have time, do my very best to make them special sweets, even if small.  So, I change my giving pattern to match how I like the reciever and how much I know them and love them.  I buy blue things with some fancy details for my mum! I search for knowledge-stimulating stuff for my son (but I do not always find interesting stuff) and sometimes, I do things myself like writing letters or peoms or paiting ceramics to simply show that this is specially for you. 

The answer I beleive is: The gift belongs to the receiver, not the giver. 
When we give, is it because we want to give?  or is it because the receiver would be happier if he received?  and I am not talking about gifts.  I am talking about giving.  Giving care or concern, giving advice, time, giving tissues to wipe our tears, giving fun, or giving money...whatever we are giving.

If I am down, so terribly down, and I explicitly do not want to talk.  Should I be given by my friends care in the form of visits/ calls/ talks/ advice or should they not? or should I not? Is it about me more or them more? the giver or the receiver?

I believe that when we give we need to give what the receiver needs.  Giving should not be simply an opportunity to pour whatever we have on the poor/lucky receiver.  Giving is an opportunity to give the receiver what he wants or needs or delights in.  Otherwise, giving becomes only another selfish act! 

Giving a gift flavored with your touch is beautiful, but always let us think, does the receiver want this at all??
 

As a sauce pan!!

Like a saucepan that has been invaded and is empty....yet you still dig into it every second with a large big metal spoon! The sauce pan is screaming " there is nothing left! You are only scratching me!!"

Something inside of me (no, that is not true, let me rephrase it). 
Everything inside of me is screaming and pleading that this is not what I want still.  This was not the life version she signed for.  This is not the plan, nor the action. This is not fun, this is not it. This is not mine.  Right now, there are not so many burning turmoils in my head, which is a blessing...long forgotten.  Yet, there are a million tiny ants running in my brains...up and down actively reminding me every milli second of what I have to do the next second, and minute and day and week. And as if they are announcing war, they are playing drums in my head!

For reasons that are justifiable and logical and even necessary as well as urgent, my days have been filled with everything you can think of: team meetings, management meetings, errands to the supermarket, driving my son to the club and my daughter to her friends, and hair dresser, doctors, projects, deadlines, weddings, travel plans, studies, demos, presentations, shopping, tailor, championships, passports, IDs, consulates, and lots of other stuff!

Yet, this person inside of me is screaming for releif..release...relaxation... a break..where someone may offer a cup of tea...or say thank you or even smile...

NEVER serious enough!

I want to start the blog by swearing actually, but instead I will just write some angry and surprised exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

Months ago, I have written that if I am not serious enough, I will not be taken seriously.  Around 17 years ago, I realized that same damn lesson, while I was asking mildly, sheepishly, full of embarassement for a salary increase!  And what the hell have I done??  I am very sorry (apology to myself) but I am truly pissed off with my self.  How nice it is to be clever and have deep realizations and then only throw them in the basket or write about them in some revelatory style!!

Again and again, I do it.  Sometimes, I wake up and something turns stern inside of me. Something finally turns serious and logical and not so damn soft!!! I like being soft, but for God's sake, there are times when we, as human beings, living in a human-filled world with less-than-human conditions we need to be logical and hard at times.  Not necessarily mean or cruel or bad, but I cannot behave like molten cheese all the time, quite pathetic isnt it?  Only after melting over and over (and I can do this about any subject in the world!) do I finally feel that something went wrong, some unfairness, some ignoring, some lack of listening, some undesirable results...and only then, do I suddenly wake up and start shouting!!!

I thought a few weeks ago before going to the leadership retreat and while I was there that I need to access this range more often; the range between passive silence and angry roaring.  To be more assertive in other terms.  But, that, I see now (another realization, hope I will use it :)) is a quick fix, an over simplification of the matter.  For, I do often talk and express but never quite reflecting how serious this is for me.  Never quite backing my requests with enough force, as if I am afraid my force would hurt others... (again this stupid feeling of responsibility over the whole world! what a boring pattern!) And I see another reason, that is brand new...well almost: here it goes:  I do not know what is important for me!  I mean I know that my kids are the most important, but in the small details is this translated? when it comes to money for example; money is important for me and the kids and I need it to provide a nice life and education for the kids.  But on the other hand, I have my own beliefs or interests or rather lack of interest in money and so I do not always care about it enough.
For me, money is a tool.  A very important tool, nevertheless, always was and always will be a tool.  I am not by nature a maximization-interested person.  Things either fit me or they do not. and luckily, I have a wide range of things that fit me, and I do not feel ever that I want to keep maximizing gains, or scores or objects or positions or titles.  If it works for me and I am satisified and happy that is good.  I still do more, I give more, I learn more but not because of a need to maximize. 

So, here comes again the point, am I really clear about what I want and how I want to do it? How I want to live my life?  Before being clear with others, I have to know what is important for me, what I love and what I totally do not accept and then comes the second phase which is expressing it. 

I thought at a point that I should have a book of rules (not a literal book) but like a set of what I want, do not want, love and hate and also a red-fonted piece on what I will not accept.  But, it does not seem practical. How the hell, will I have that thing, when life offers you daily and hourly new situations?

May be the answer is to pause for a couple of minutes and ask my self this question "How do I want this to go?" and wait for an answer, not just let the question pop in the air with their fellow question marks that fill my life. 

And then take another 5 minutes or more to clearly, seriously express it.  And again wait for the answer that I get back and check "Is this answer Ok for me or not?"

Very simple process!!! have no idea why we do not do that! or at least, I do not usually.

 

Another self defense mechanisms

I have written before about self defense mechanisms....and I think I am discovering more new ones now.  As the pain in my stomach increases, and my heart starts once again to do those acrobatic movements that leave me weak, I am re-discovering this field.  And I realize how unaware I was!  I thought I sort of knew my own techniques, but I see more ...

Silence...one of the best techniques.  I feel like a piece of shredded meat.  I freeze myself, because it sort of seems to me that this is the only way not to fall apart. And I honestly do not know how will I look like if I fall apart, and therefore not sure exactly what to do then.  So, I freeze myself.  Silence is one good tool to do this.  It is like a cover, a cling film, a freezing temperature that keeps me intact.  This is when I close the lids, all lids and put a mask face and pretend that there is no one there.  I talk, mind you... but I say lots of nonsense, daily crap...jokes even...sharing stupid stuff on facebook...but freezing all else. 

The jokes, the daily crap are another technique, where I pretend that I am fine, but the real purpose is to avoid any question marks, any  sympathetic"What's wrong?" questions because they all threaten to open the well ...of tears...

Another technique is in my brains; pretense. I can summarize as "what else can go wrong?" faltering a bit and exaggerating into this feeling that I will close my nose and jump into the water quickly way...

The beauty (not really :) of this is doing all of them together and watching your self pitying yourself...watching some bleeding drops... or the look of anxiety of all your friends (which is sort of shocking because I thought I was getting perfect at this pretense thing)... I can feel my breathing becoming more difficult, my heart threatening once again with some major decision and my tummy hurting every now and then... with various pains all over.... I watch as if I am looking at a stranger inside and continue joking...

Books...books...and more books :)

It's weekend here! and one of my early blogs like one year ago was about how I really don't like weekends.  I am not sure why, but I guess it is because there feels to be a huge waste of time...I just lie down like a vegetable, no enjoyment, no achievement, no nothing.  Actually, this is not totally true, but it is my habitual way of being so cruel to myself.  Partially true, though. 

Like today, I had a webinar, I fetched some bookds to read, I want to visit my parents, pick my photos for the back cover of the book, fill the application for the kids' Russian passports and cross my fingers so well hoping it will be finalized.  Have to do some back office work for a consulting job I do for an NGO.  I also want to do some kind of reading list. 

I have an obssession problem with mugs and books.  I try to resist, but it does not always work.  Last week I was in Dubai, and I resisted buying this butterfly painted mug, and the pink rosy one, and one with funny surrealist drawings and the one that had a nice lid on it. I even resisted the other butterfly one, with a butterfly-shaped handle.  But I love to buy mugs, they seem to be so individualistic and when you buy one, they reflect you in a way and they are cheerful, too.

Books, is even far worse.  I love books.  Not reading books only, I love books.  I love being in bookstores surrounded by books, I feel at home (I feel this way on planes too).  I love touching books and playing with books and flipping through the pages.  I love reading them and losing myself in them.  The only thing that I do not like is feeling that I want to read them and I do not have time.  you see, I keep buying books like crazy!  I have like 50 extremely interesting new books that have not yet been read. Sometimes I wish there were some kind of blue tooth between my brain and the book and so all it takes is to hold the book close to my head for 5 minutes and all that interesting information would automatically be mine!

I promised myself not to buy any new books untill I finish (or even discard) the ones I have.  But it is so tempting to buy books as tempting as dresses to me.  I do the same with dresses.  I buy dresses that I do not ever wear.  But they look so nice and I look so nice in them that I just have to get them!

Now for books, I have a variety of fields and I am not sure where to start as usual :).  There is "Training Design", there is "The Everday Writer", there is "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" and there is a book about parenting.  I guess what I will do, is what I have not done for some long time, Follow my heart and let my fingers move to the book.   And right now I wonder "No fun at all in the weekend?"  why not go to the movies?

I can only handle the "NOW" now

As Daniel Gilbert says in his book, we are always "nexting".  Many people also spend days and nights exploring the past or reliving it, or if not, they sort of wonder about it and why it was so not as they would have liked it to be. 

Especially in a place of not knowing, the future is full of worries.  It is laden with anticipated future pains for ourselves but also for those we love.  I worry about my kids and how they will turn out, though I am usually not the worrying fretting person.  I wonder about their schools and their personalities and how things will turn for them.  I wonder about myself, my book, my health and my dreams.  I wonder about what they will eat and what I will cook and when shall I cook it.  I even go in my head through the ingredients list, once I have figured out the menu.  I also think of money, will it be there? what about the school fees, the university fees, and all that follows.

The past is full of regrets of all the times I have not taken the right turn, all the things I said "yes" to when I should have not.  And all the things, I actually said "No" to, and it does not seem logical anymore.  As Gilbert says we try so hard for a future self that is forever ungrateful.  The past is full of scars and instead of letting them be what they are scars, we go there, we scratch and it bleeds. 

I spend days and nights full of hallucinating dreams where past and future mingle in today and create a nightmare.  I have all the components fetched elaborately from past events and future worries.  and before I know it, the day is doomed.  And when I leave work, or get out of home, or finish the meetings, I hear those voices eating me inside. 

And then I decided " May be I cannot now manage the past.  May be I cannot bear the future.  But I can handle the "now"".  "Now I am driving in my car, Now I am going to work thinking of the stuff I have to do. There is no problem with that. I can handle that."  Or I say "now I am writing my blog. There is nothing difficult with that. I enjoy it. It is safe and pleasant. I will not wander to any other dimension of time."

They come now those ghosts from the past, and those zombies from the future and I bring back myself to the now.  The "now" I can handle, even if in the cases when it is not  the most pleasant, I can still handle that.  Even if the future will be "bad" in some ways, I will be able to handle it then, when it becomes a now.  But for the time being, all I can handle is the "now", so I will stay here now.  and chain myself to a stable moment that is existing, as if it is eternity.

moving away...from what you enjoy

How lovely it is to come back.  I was editing my blogs in preparation of the book, some of which were here, and others and I realized what a fantastic time it was to write here.  I realized that this was (and still is ) a magical place for me.  Here I come back.  Here I smile a lot.  Here I realize. And here, of course, I write which is to me magic. Before writing regularly, I remember some of my light-flooded thoughts used to evaporate, but here they crystalize and remain with me forever.

And I realized something else.  If writing here in this blog is so much fun, so full of creativity for me, so gratifying and at the same time free, enjoyable and easy, why did I stop?  I know I have been very busy travelling within Egypt and outside Egypt, finishing my Neuro Linguistic programming certification and jiggling life as usual... but these are exactly what they sound like: justifications, that you give to others to avoid looking wrong.  In reality the question is from me to me: since I enjoy it that much, why have I stopped filling my life with it?

And then...the meta question pops up "what else have you given up?"  Ask yourself this question, please.  Some give up art, or outings..or cooking.  You may have a million correct and logical justifications, but how can they help sweeten the days? those justifications I mean. They don't. Whereas doing what you love and enjoy if even for a few minutes does extend roots to yourself...does multiply joy. 

So, look back and look ahead, and wonder " What nice thing I want to be doing?"
 

None of that is new....

Not that this is new for me... this technique of watching other people's behaviors and analyzing it and coming to a certain core action that I deem responsible for creating a reaction... To be less myesterious, this is like when I see a great influencer who manages to make all people think he is sweet or a genius or whatever... I usually watch their behavior and realize some certain repetitive action or words that I can later use if I want to create the same effect..

Not that I have not been using the same technique with me in a way... I watch what I do, what works, what does not and sometimes I even write it down or formulate theories about me within a human nautre context..

And of course it is not that I am a novice with pain.... pain management, like change management is a science and I think I am good at it.  I twist it like 6 repetitive times, make a flip and voila...the pain sort of turns into laughter... but do not question me if it feels or tastes like laughter...

So, it is really not that any of the above is true... it is just that being experienced in all that does not necessarily protect your heart from pain... does not necessarily provide medical insurance to your wounds.. and doing it more and more neither provides an answer as to "how to do it" nor does it make it any easier..

the missing

How I have missed writing here.  this is one of my most favourite place on this planet Earth. Like a child I rush to this white space where I pour me in little pieces and droplets on screen.  I have missed writing here.  I am carrying all my alphabets and all my cocktailed emotions and coming back.  How good it feels.  The reason for my writing is dual.  First,  I am preparing for the book, so I am keeping all the new stuff for the book.  Second, I have been pretty weird lately (which is all more reason to write here, I know) but by weird I do not mean emotional, happy, sad, confused, optimistic, scared... No, I do not mean all these, though I have been these and more during the last few months.  But by weird, I mean I have been detached....from myself...from what is happening to me.  As if I see what is going on and realize that this is very painful... but only feel it from the surface, like a hot sauce pan that you do not want to dive in. I guessed that was another self-defense mechanism and that is why I did not resist it much. 

It is not nice, however, because you are sort of living half a life, or living while you are kind of stoned.  Not really nice, unless your life really sucks.  And, it is not very easily called on and off.  I mean it just happens and all the intensity in the emotion is gone.  Sometimes, however, I find myself falling down into the hot tormenting volcanos of life.  So, overall, I would not rate this state of "stoned" in my own sense as good.  Not really. 

What is good and brings a smile to my face is coming back here.  it feels warm and I wonder about this missing thing.  what is missing? is it a longing for the things we like and enjoy? is it a want that has grown so strong that it pulls us somewhere like a dog that pulls at its owner to see something?  or a baby that nags at his mum to get him a toy?

Or is it rather an emotion that can only come when something is an innate part of you... or has been ushered inside and warmed and loved too fondly to tolerate being void of it?

Is it the same with people? I long for someone because of what?  is it because they complement me or is it because they make me happy? or may be once again because they have become part of who I have become?

I surely do not know. May be all.. May be more.  what I know is the rushing back into the arms of who or what you love.. as if  you are coming back home after a long trip away, and the whole world is welcoming you in the airport with millions and millions of roses...and you rush to what you love.. who you love... and who you truly are..

No pain today

The last 2 days were like hell for me.. I had a humongous toothache.. the one that makes you wish to die.. or take off all your teeth.. crying and sobbing and wailing.. breathing techniques and NLP and all the tricks I know with no avail..

And today I woke up at 8 am! what an achievement...I slept the whole night! I was not awaken by a sharp pain like a nail stuck quickly in my teeth and up to my head..WOW... and  now I am even posting on the blog... and I realized once again, how fragile as human beings we are.. and I realized once again, how blessed we are to sleep and to wake up...

How much there is to be grateful for!! Every minute that passes, in which we are healthy and feeling no pain, is a blessing... every second in which you are capable of planning a day.. and going through it and even envisioning a future .. if even for a day is such a blessing..

We take so much for granted, when in reality, nothing really is..We are greedy by nature, which is not all bad.  It is because we are greedy that we want to do more.. be more.. have more.. which is a legitimate right.. which is how life evolves and grows and so we do too in the process... But what we forget during this trial to be more is that we already have a lot.. really a lot..if it is only a day.. if it is only ourselves..if it is only our ability to smile or breathe without pain...that is an awful lot..

Be grateful.. enjoy feeling ok in your body... and take care of all the little symptoms that tell you something is so..so...Be grateful for the moment, you are now here reading a blog.. browsing the net.. planning to hang out.. Be grateful is all I want to say

A ton of happiness? A week? A year?

How much happiness do we really need?  I assume we all want to be happy all the time, although we all know how unrealistic that is.  How could we want something so badly even though we are pretty sure it cannot possibly happen? Or let me rephrase this: How can we expect to be happy all the time when we know it is impossible?  And we do expect, otherwise how do you explain our sorrow and frustration, our disappointment.. our fall from above when we are sad.  We are usually not only upset that something has happened, but we are also - at that time- upset that we are upset;upset that at that point of time we failed to hold on to happiness...

It is a bit weird, our complexities.. and our structure.. how we are made.  I challenge any of you not to know that inevitably something will happen that is not as we want.. that a day will be too hot.. or the car will be slightly damaged in an accident or your boss will be grumpy at one point of time.. or your spouse will wake up with a crumbled face.. it is bound to happen, not because I am pessimistic, for I am not and this is not at all the purpose of writing this blog.   It is just that life is too full and too varied.. and we are too rich and full of values, beliefs, emotions, histories and futures that we cannot keep the same pace.  Even if the examples I mentioned above are trivial and by seeing life differently, I have come to the point that I do not even look at my car if it gets hit.. that I invent techniques to manage a grumpy boss or a bad weather or a hideous traffic... Other things will happen; someone we like or love will have a problem, or get sick or die.. and it will hurt.  We all know that.  So, how come we expect from ourselves - rather than from life- to be happy all the time? It would be like having a permanent face lifting job over and over again..

It is only natural that we go up and down.. what we tend to forget however- far easier than our expectations of happiness- is our moments of happiness... our anticipation of a well-deserved success and how it felt it to taste it.. our rush into the arms of a long-awaited lover...the first time you hold a baby in your arms.. the first time you dive.. the joys of innocent conversations with friends at school or at the faculty... there are so many moments of happiness.. and yet, we behave as if they were not enough.. and that is the point of this blog: how much happiness do we need to have - bearing in mind we can't have it 24/7/all our life.. how much will be enough to fill us with gratitude ? how much will be enough to sort of extend vertically or horizontally to the rest of our years.. along the line of time?

In the famous song "if you go away" the words say " If you go away, I will understand.. give me just enough love to hold in my hand.."  can we hold love ? not necessarily in our hands but as one of the hues that colour our spirits? can we hold joy as an integral part of our inner being.. so that it is not a transient visitor but rather a visitor that has changed us.. coloured us.. left some real finger prints on our being and left us a more capable, optimistic and grateful person???

It feels theoretical.. but it also feels greedy.. If we have known joy.. if happiness have crept to us or showered us from heaven..can we blame her for going away .. knowing that she has to because we are extremely complex and rich and vivid creatures? knowing that as Gibran Khalil Gibran says : " your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears. And how else can it be?" (The Prophet, on joy and sorrow)

A friend of mine always tells me that magic - and I dare add happiness- likes to be invited...Actually, Happiness and magic are quite more generous than that.. sometimes even without invitation, they fly and land on your elbow.. or cover your hair with golden dust....but I do agree with my friend.. why not invite some happiness today?  If it is from the past, call for it... call it here now.. and don't get nostalgic about it.. savour it just as it was back then... fresh and sweet... if it s for now, call it with a song, with a word, with a thought, and look up there for a future knowing that just as she cannot stay all the time, she is also bound to come.. and she is a very very good listener.. call her.. she will come.. hold it inside until it transforms you into a better person..than you already are.. enjoy her company and be her friend. She likes that :)

Grounding

I realized yesterday that out of the whole 30 days of June, I have worked so far only like 6 days!!! and yet, it was the most hectic month of the year so far!!! not that anything happened extraordinarily.. no big chunks taken from my time to fight a fire.. no major problems (thank God) nothing.. really..

I guess it was the chaos in my head..in my heart and consequently all around. I felt lost.. chattered most of the time. I wanted to do things.. lots of things..and I didn't.  I started stuff and left them out.. and I thought and thought.. not following a single thread of thought.  And now I feel I want some grounding. 

I want to sit on my own.. and lay around me all the pages of my life like a pack of cards.. and take one by one and look at each.. thoroughly.  I want to sit still..be silent.  I want to disconnect from the world outside and let the clatter inside come out and stack themselves quietly where they please.

Even in my various days off, that was not the case. I can hardly remember what was the case.  I didn't exercise, read, tidy up, pamper myself, work, have lengthy conversations with the kids.  What was I doing? It was going up and down a virtual ladder of nothingness.. or rather the same ideas that have come to occupy me.. like a submissive land. 

But enough!  Today, I have my chance. The house is empty.  My family have travelled somewhere for a couple of days..and I have the house, my own physical land for myself. I have the time for myself, to almost do whatever I please with it, like a an empty bowl..and I have me.

I remember once at meditation, there was this exercise in which you visualize yourself as a tree and you - closing your eyes- imagine you.. tall.. and deep.. nourished by the soil...joyful by the sun..and then you can extend your branches.. this is the picture I keep visualizing eyes open :)

So, I started the day calmly. I am no longer forcing myself to do anything. But, I am keeping the quiet stillness inside.  I am not answering phones, except the ones I have to or want to.  I am elminating all excess clatter.  And phyiscally, I realized that I want to organize my million papers, files and books...I am organizing them into topics: coaching, leadership, happiness, assessement centres, training, miscellaneous.. I am still half way through..but it is already giving me a good sense of peace..

Tuning the world today to my tune.. is marvellous.. I do not have to dance to anybody's song.. I don't have to dance at all, if I don't want to. I don't have to do anything. But, I am doing things.. all the things that are coming naturally in a space of mine.

How many times, we run..in someone else's marathon... or go and come to and fro reaching nowhere. Clarity! yes, that's it quiet clarity, that's my quest today. It can be lazy. It doesn't have to, though. It can be whatever it wants to be.. and that's cool.

For without roots, without seeing our trunk..our branches are not really within our control. Today, is mine. Today, I live for me.  Today, create my own space and I ground.

I guess I have to give up something..

Dear Blog,

I am writing today because I am very confused.  I have always loved a life that is full.  At work, whenever I took a job in, it usually started calmly (except my one which was chaos right from the start), and then I took on things.. and then I created things.. and those things had babies and sisters and families and all of a sudden I would find myself, literally not finding a spare minute.

I started working early on at 18 keeping myself busy.  Even my part-time, free-lance fun job as movie translator.. I managed to turn it hectic and over-loading.  I took more and more and stayed up late translating for the deadline.

I had no financial responsibilities then,  I mean of course it was pretty nice and self-inflating to get well paid when I was 18, but it was never money that motivated me. 

And now it is not much different. I have left the multinational world and work as a part time HR head in a local company, which I assume should have been less hectic.  In a year, I have managed to do the same thing. I over loaded myself with objectives every year as if life would end after this. As if I have one damn chance to finish it all.  Pretty psycho... isn't it?

The problem is, I have dreams.. big and colourful.. I have a lot of dreams.  There is my company that I am currently creating with the documentation, the website, the brochure, the services... there is this blog, there is the book I am DYING to write, and it is crying out to get out of me every second of the day!  There are of course my kids and my family. There are my friends.. lots of friends..

Shall I go more: diving trips, trips abroad; both are essential oxygen to a true Sagittarius.  Parents, that I love and want to take care of.  My second Masters degree, in which, for no urgent reasons, I enrolled a year ago and did nothing about so far.. except studying every now and then..

Favours and support I do to others whenever I can.

Coaching, which I do little of .

Workshops. Fun and lovely

The problem truly is not in being occupied all the time. That is not it.  Problem is not being unable to have fun, cos' I do have fun!

Problem is, My dreams... colourful as they are... always somehow end up last in the list.. never done.  And something in me is screaming loudly : YOUR BOOK!!!!!! YOUR COMPANY!!! YOUR COACHING!!! These voices, unfortunately, are insatiable, just like me.  They ask for many things. I wish they would ask for one.  Get satisfied with one..

I always think I will be on time for an appointment.  I always think there is enough time to take a shower, linger with a cup of coffee... get nicely dressed and get there on time.  But, I almost never do!! and never change!

Is it the same syndrome: ME : the unbeatable?? ME who can take it all? whether it is obligations, invitations, requests, meetings, outings, trips, even pains.. me who can take it all??
Well, that is quite a positive look at myself I guess.  It must be far better than thinking I can't take any of it.  As I write this, I remember times when I did say that actually "I can't do this anymore".  I remember times when my oxygen levels were metaphorically speaking low and I had to get out. 

I don't say NO. That is another issue.  No is a big no no.. No can hurt others.  No can deprive me of chances and opportunities.  No, means not going through an open door, that might be closed later on. 

A sentence rings in my ears.  A sentence I read when I was studying coaching, the module on Balance. Let me fetch it for you guys.  Here it is

" Balance is about learning to say no, not only to the yucky, drippy stuff that no one wants anyway, but to the good stuff too." " That apple pie looks mighty good, but I AM FULL. Thank you, but NO." It's about learning to be done rather than trying to always finish and about choosing the experiences we want to have rather than dashing about trying to have all of them."

I guess as I copy this down..what I feel is : I REST MY CASE.  I Guess I have to give something up.  FOR NOW... But they are all my babies.. how can I do that?? But unless I have been blessed with being pregnant in sextuplets (6 babies) that is not very likely to happen? Right?? So, it seems as if I am pregnant in one or max. 2 and for no urgent reasons (again) I am adopting babies.. which is a fine cause.. but why at the same time??

I guess... what I have to do is identify my original babies...and postpone adoption for a while.. Also, In real life with babies.. you do not really keep planning everyday ( I tried.. I swear and it did not work at all) you just go and do what it takes at the time.. just go and finish the task at hand because the baby is crying.  And right now.. I can hear one baby crying louder than the rest; MY BOOK....

Thank you blog :)

Nothing at all...

I wake up with a myriad of emotions.. they are so many.. so confused.. so agitated and muffled at the same time, that it is literally impossible to decipher or even describe..

I will try to list some, so you know where I actually am... I am bored to death.. the Internet is very slow.. I am going out and I "should" get ready and I hate the process of getting ready.. the day seems to have so much to go .. yet it does not move .. I am also excited about projects and travels..I feel far more relaxed than before.. yet.. it feels like there are still a million pirana fish inside of me nibbling on my guts..while I am writing this.. and yet.. remember I am bored still... the boredom that feels like waiting.. and you do not even know what you are waiting for ...

Anyway, there is also a feeling of being victimized, guilt, fairness, struggle, hope, ambition, surrender.. well, I changed my mind.. the list can almost include all human emotions at the same time.. that would be too long and boring.. but it also brings me to the point of this article..

Yesterday, after receiving some wonderful comments from a couple of friends, I wondered "am I playing it small? Have I not done my share.. If I really have all those qualities or skills or abilities?"

And since this cotton candy-like puff of emotions was also still inside of me yesterday.. but to a far greater extent.. it felt quite suffocating and I kept wondering "what should I do? what should I do?"  "I do not know what the hell should I do?"

The next thing I did was sit down and plan on the calendar for the rest of the year.  My list included studying, kids, sports, work and projects, writing, learning to play guitar and paint, creating new workshops content, and finalizing my company's website, brochure and business plan.trips with family.. trips on my own... WOW.. right?? for unknown reasons, when I looked at the list I did not feel impressed and yet.. it did not bother me much.. but it left me wondering.. again.."is this all I can do...or ... is this more than I can do? . what the hell should I do?"

"You do not have to do anything" my friends said.
Then one of my friends continued " it is not about you not doing enough.. this is very limiting..just go with the flow... just embrace life.. as it is ... be yourself.."  Her words went into my heart immediately but an echo of similar words I voiced long ago.. came by ..too..reminding me..

At coaching, we once had a visualization exercise, and in that one I met my future self (20 years from now) and I asked her for advice " enjoy life.. and do what you feel is right" she said.  What I feel... not what the world dictates.. and now the words of "embracing life" seem to fill my room.. I know them.. I wrote them.. I said them.. and they came back to me when I needed them...

It is a futile fight anyway... there is actually no fight at all... with life you take what it gives you.. you welcome it .. hate it .. but you get it anyway.. you can wish for it.. invite it.. call it.. you can run away from it.. pretend it is not there.. rejoice or denounce.. you can do a million things you see .. it is not as if you are helpless.. not at all.. you are far more powerful.. and you have got magical powers recipe  hidden ins some shelf within the yellow pages..but powerful and magical as you are.. you do not fight with the days.. you take them in... embrace life.. and then go... or if you wish fly..

where did I go?

It has been such a long time since I last came here and threw a pebble in the water.  I guess it is a week or 10 days! quite a lot!! It isn't as if I have not missed coming here and saying something.. and realizing many things while I was saying it.  I haven't stopped writing actually all this time.  I did write in Arabic too some poems..but still, I missed writing, I missed the passionate discipline of coming here and talking and feeling...

So, what happened to me? actually nothing.. I am all safe and sound.. only too tired and too damn sleepy as I  am writing now.. but like a lover who can no longer stand being away.. I come with teary eyes..

What happened?? it is what always happens to us: Life.. life with all its waves high and low, tender and violent, trivial and important..

Life has been keeping me busy.. but that does not mean that it did this to me.. I actually agreed to get busy..I got busy with a bit more hectic workload... then we had a vacation and I consciously decided to get fully busy with the kids..For some time, I have done mainly work and kids now..

But life has also been miraculously wondrous ( I am not sure this word will escape the spell check, really but I so like it:) ... since the NLP workshop, I have been eagerly trying to sustain the marble column-free status I was in...I am waking up ensuring to see that life is not what I thought.  I am repeating myself may be, but I am now more able to share what it really was..

I recently realized (5 years ago) that life is sweet.. I did enjoy life before.. but at that moment, I realized that the difficulty in life does not, by any means, label it only as bad.. it is hard and happy..but my notion of my life, however, did not change.  I thought my life was a struggle. A struggle that started before I even stepped into it.  I always believed faithfully that I was destined to struggle all my life.. .and since that was my belief.. and in combination with the previous one, I sort of accepted it.. as part of having a joyous life..a meaningful presence..

But during the workshop, I realized that my life is not necessarily a struggle.. and that I am not necessarily destined to struggle till I die... My life was rich.. diverse.. like a fantastic indian movie, where there is orange, blue and yellow beaded dresses, love, anger & jealousy in a trio, tenderness, kindness, unfairness and justice..My life had it all..and I am not so old yet.. and I do not feel a bit old yet...
Whatever I had, was not because my lot in life was struggle...No!  Whatever I had was only tender kind preparation... muscle training... just like the famous butterfly had to exercise a bit inside the cocoon before it flew :)  Same here, I could not get into this Indian-movie-like life without the ability to dance, to see... to touch and feel.. to understand..accept and be..

And it made a whole difference to see a different intention of my life.  I always believed God was merciful and generous and kind..but somehow I never applied it to why I had this life.. I used to think because He is wise, he gave me this life to suffer to become in the end what I am now.. I always thought that suffering was therefore an essential part..and that may be it was what led me to taste so vehemently the joie de vivre..

May be all this is true.. but what is even truer.. kinder.. and sweeter.. is knowing that God did not give me this life to suffer.. but to make me stronger.. tougher.. kinder.. and more delicate..able to soar..able to love..able to enjoy..and yet able to feel pain..mine and others' which is also a true blessing...compassion, it is called.

I am a butterfly..once a worm..struggling in the grass.. accepting the grass... loving the greenery.. fearful of bigger animals..but now a butterfly!  For a few years, my wings were shy..my muscles were not yet always ready..they used to get wet easily with any drops of rain and droop...and I did not always manage to dry clean them on time..

But now, My wings are always ready.. all I have to do is take off my jacket and stretch them in all their magnificence.. colourful in orange, golden and blue hues.. rain drops only wash them... and I now look to higher more bluish skies... I visit clouds...sometimes with friends where we have our cocktails... and sometimes I go back to the grass..appreciatively... and then....hop...up again..where I belong :)

Attraversiamo

I sit with a client.. a brilliant one..She says "I have not really met my real self...yet" to which I reply
 "But I have met her.." "She is brave, young, creative, fun, persistent...she is strong, optimistic and realistic..she love life" I ask her "what conjures her up in our sessions?" She is silent for  a few moments and then she says many things ..she says "because you are already on my side.. we are crossing together"...

It is not only my brilliant client... it is all of us... Acceptance for what we are..we all need that.  We spend too much time.. too much of our life in trying to prove ourselves to others.. trying to prove we are worthy..or we are ethical.. or we did not mean it.. or that we love them...or that we are originally not so stupid... or not so bad...

We spend too much time justifying... unconsciously pleading for acceptance... begging internally for a check mark to be put on us..so we can move on...

When all we need is someone already on our side... someone who will know that we are good.. that we are beautiful...that we are fine...the way we are... so instead of continuously struggling to prove who we are and acquit ourselves from all the framed accusations...we just hold hands...we just walk together.. we just know inside that we are on the same side... and we cross...and I borrow Elizabeth Gilbert's "attraversiamo".................

Don't justify yourself... Don't hire a lawyer..when you can fill the world with your songs... when you can tour the world on foot...Hold hands and cross... and when there is no one out there to hold on to... search for this brilliant self inside you too... meet her.. have coffee..hold hands and both you - in total acceptance- cross..

who we are...

In most of my coaching sessions, this question pops up for the client "who am I?" who this person really is.   Sometimes, there are artistic talents long forsaken, and the client realizes that she is not only the process and procedures guy, but also an artist.  Sometimes, she does not know who she really is.  Sometimes her original features are smeared by the surroundings, by the energy in the house that has been absorbed, by the instructions recited for too long, by the models that exist around in a very limited space.

Other times, we lose our characteristics, our realness through fear.  Fear of grabbing life offerings, shying away from them as if we have not seen them, scared lest we stretch our hands, and we do not find our names written on the label!  Other times, it is our laziness to move out of bed, to throw away our inertia, so we cling to a status quo that we do not like.  We cuddle in a comfort zone that we have gotten used to for so long, long after it has become so uncomfortable!

Like now, as I am sitting on my favorite place in the couch I realize that the cushion supporting my back is not comfy at all...and only as I write this,  I move my hands to adjust it.  Simple it is sometimes, more difficult at others.. but we just keep reclining on a mal-adjusted cushion for too long.

Other times, it is our lack of ..what can I call it? is it "guts?.. mojo..spirit may be..  When we take short cuts, while we know that the bumpy road is the one we need to follow, and yet, easier... we choose the short cut.  A short cut like that turns out to be like the one in Red Riding hood, where we meet the fox or the wolf or in best cases we get lost.  Sometimes, we take the good life, the pleasure approach to happiness. When we know we should get out of bed, but we don't. When we need to work harder, but we procrastinate.  When we promise to quit smoking but we wait.  When we pretend that exam deadlines are not that soon.. and that the presentation we need to prepare is not next week..

It is like when we have those symptoms; a headache or a muscle pain or a re-current stomach-ache, but instead of going to a physician, it is easier to take the short cut and swallow some analgesics.  We do this all the time.  We justify saying there is nothing.. but in reality we are either afraid that there might be something, or we are too lazy to get up and check. 

I guess what I am saying is that to maintain who we truly are needs a lot of discovery, heaps of bravery.. active actions... collecting energy..standing up to the world. .and sometimes standing up to ourselves..

But it is worth it :)

Heartbeats..

What is it about heart beats guys?? we say we realized it in a "heartbeat" because heartbeats are fast.. too fast..and too "automatic" may be?? 

We say "he's a heartbeat away from making a huge discovery" which means he is almost there..

I listen to a song and it starts with "my heart skips skips skips.. a beat"...and I know there are many other songs with hearts beating in them.. hearts that skip a beat.. hearts that beat too fast.. hearts that stop their beats...

Old songs such as la vie en rose, also talk about "the coeur qui bat".. the heart that beats when she listens to tender love words...

Even in horror movies.. there are loud heart beats..loud enough for the audience to hear..

It could be love, the first reason of course..it could be anticipation.. worry... fear...joy..sorrow.. parting..exams.. presentations.. surprises..

It all comes down to our heartbeats..and I think "pauvre coeur".. our poor hearts how much will it take?  It dances, jumps, sleeps, and bounces.. it stops.. and it floods.. and then tries to create its own pacemakers through life's ups and downs...

Funny weird and complex creatures we are!  perfect creatures we are!  all whilst we are not aware of our perfection...not always aware of the miracle we manifest... of the essence from which we are... but look at it this way; if our heart does all this only to rhyme with our tunes.. what are we capable of? What other tunes can we create?