I have written before about self defense mechanisms....and I think I am discovering more new ones now. As the pain in my stomach increases, and my heart starts once again to do those acrobatic movements that leave me weak, I am re-discovering this field. And I realize how unaware I was! I thought I sort of knew my own techniques, but I see more ...
Silence...one of the best techniques. I feel like a piece of shredded meat. I freeze myself, because it sort of seems to me that this is the only way not to fall apart. And I honestly do not know how will I look like if I fall apart, and therefore not sure exactly what to do then. So, I freeze myself. Silence is one good tool to do this. It is like a cover, a cling film, a freezing temperature that keeps me intact. This is when I close the lids, all lids and put a mask face and pretend that there is no one there. I talk, mind you... but I say lots of nonsense, daily crap...jokes even...sharing stupid stuff on facebook...but freezing all else.
The jokes, the daily crap are another technique, where I pretend that I am fine, but the real purpose is to avoid any question marks, any sympathetic"What's wrong?" questions because they all threaten to open the well ...of tears...
Another technique is in my brains; pretense. I can summarize as "what else can go wrong?" faltering a bit and exaggerating into this feeling that I will close my nose and jump into the water quickly way...
The beauty (not really :) of this is doing all of them together and watching your self pitying yourself...watching some bleeding drops... or the look of anxiety of all your friends (which is sort of shocking because I thought I was getting perfect at this pretense thing)... I can feel my breathing becoming more difficult, my heart threatening once again with some major decision and my tummy hurting every now and then... with various pains all over.... I watch as if I am looking at a stranger inside and continue joking...
Silence...one of the best techniques. I feel like a piece of shredded meat. I freeze myself, because it sort of seems to me that this is the only way not to fall apart. And I honestly do not know how will I look like if I fall apart, and therefore not sure exactly what to do then. So, I freeze myself. Silence is one good tool to do this. It is like a cover, a cling film, a freezing temperature that keeps me intact. This is when I close the lids, all lids and put a mask face and pretend that there is no one there. I talk, mind you... but I say lots of nonsense, daily crap...jokes even...sharing stupid stuff on facebook...but freezing all else.
The jokes, the daily crap are another technique, where I pretend that I am fine, but the real purpose is to avoid any question marks, any sympathetic"What's wrong?" questions because they all threaten to open the well ...of tears...
Another technique is in my brains; pretense. I can summarize as "what else can go wrong?" faltering a bit and exaggerating into this feeling that I will close my nose and jump into the water quickly way...
The beauty (not really :) of this is doing all of them together and watching your self pitying yourself...watching some bleeding drops... or the look of anxiety of all your friends (which is sort of shocking because I thought I was getting perfect at this pretense thing)... I can feel my breathing becoming more difficult, my heart threatening once again with some major decision and my tummy hurting every now and then... with various pains all over.... I watch as if I am looking at a stranger inside and continue joking...
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