No pain today

The last 2 days were like hell for me.. I had a humongous toothache.. the one that makes you wish to die.. or take off all your teeth.. crying and sobbing and wailing.. breathing techniques and NLP and all the tricks I know with no avail..

And today I woke up at 8 am! what an achievement...I slept the whole night! I was not awaken by a sharp pain like a nail stuck quickly in my teeth and up to my head..WOW... and  now I am even posting on the blog... and I realized once again, how fragile as human beings we are.. and I realized once again, how blessed we are to sleep and to wake up...

How much there is to be grateful for!! Every minute that passes, in which we are healthy and feeling no pain, is a blessing... every second in which you are capable of planning a day.. and going through it and even envisioning a future .. if even for a day is such a blessing..

We take so much for granted, when in reality, nothing really is..We are greedy by nature, which is not all bad.  It is because we are greedy that we want to do more.. be more.. have more.. which is a legitimate right.. which is how life evolves and grows and so we do too in the process... But what we forget during this trial to be more is that we already have a lot.. really a lot..if it is only a day.. if it is only ourselves..if it is only our ability to smile or breathe without pain...that is an awful lot..

Be grateful.. enjoy feeling ok in your body... and take care of all the little symptoms that tell you something is so..so...Be grateful for the moment, you are now here reading a blog.. browsing the net.. planning to hang out.. Be grateful is all I want to say

A ton of happiness? A week? A year?

How much happiness do we really need?  I assume we all want to be happy all the time, although we all know how unrealistic that is.  How could we want something so badly even though we are pretty sure it cannot possibly happen? Or let me rephrase this: How can we expect to be happy all the time when we know it is impossible?  And we do expect, otherwise how do you explain our sorrow and frustration, our disappointment.. our fall from above when we are sad.  We are usually not only upset that something has happened, but we are also - at that time- upset that we are upset;upset that at that point of time we failed to hold on to happiness...

It is a bit weird, our complexities.. and our structure.. how we are made.  I challenge any of you not to know that inevitably something will happen that is not as we want.. that a day will be too hot.. or the car will be slightly damaged in an accident or your boss will be grumpy at one point of time.. or your spouse will wake up with a crumbled face.. it is bound to happen, not because I am pessimistic, for I am not and this is not at all the purpose of writing this blog.   It is just that life is too full and too varied.. and we are too rich and full of values, beliefs, emotions, histories and futures that we cannot keep the same pace.  Even if the examples I mentioned above are trivial and by seeing life differently, I have come to the point that I do not even look at my car if it gets hit.. that I invent techniques to manage a grumpy boss or a bad weather or a hideous traffic... Other things will happen; someone we like or love will have a problem, or get sick or die.. and it will hurt.  We all know that.  So, how come we expect from ourselves - rather than from life- to be happy all the time? It would be like having a permanent face lifting job over and over again..

It is only natural that we go up and down.. what we tend to forget however- far easier than our expectations of happiness- is our moments of happiness... our anticipation of a well-deserved success and how it felt it to taste it.. our rush into the arms of a long-awaited lover...the first time you hold a baby in your arms.. the first time you dive.. the joys of innocent conversations with friends at school or at the faculty... there are so many moments of happiness.. and yet, we behave as if they were not enough.. and that is the point of this blog: how much happiness do we need to have - bearing in mind we can't have it 24/7/all our life.. how much will be enough to fill us with gratitude ? how much will be enough to sort of extend vertically or horizontally to the rest of our years.. along the line of time?

In the famous song "if you go away" the words say " If you go away, I will understand.. give me just enough love to hold in my hand.."  can we hold love ? not necessarily in our hands but as one of the hues that colour our spirits? can we hold joy as an integral part of our inner being.. so that it is not a transient visitor but rather a visitor that has changed us.. coloured us.. left some real finger prints on our being and left us a more capable, optimistic and grateful person???

It feels theoretical.. but it also feels greedy.. If we have known joy.. if happiness have crept to us or showered us from heaven..can we blame her for going away .. knowing that she has to because we are extremely complex and rich and vivid creatures? knowing that as Gibran Khalil Gibran says : " your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears. And how else can it be?" (The Prophet, on joy and sorrow)

A friend of mine always tells me that magic - and I dare add happiness- likes to be invited...Actually, Happiness and magic are quite more generous than that.. sometimes even without invitation, they fly and land on your elbow.. or cover your hair with golden dust....but I do agree with my friend.. why not invite some happiness today?  If it is from the past, call for it... call it here now.. and don't get nostalgic about it.. savour it just as it was back then... fresh and sweet... if it s for now, call it with a song, with a word, with a thought, and look up there for a future knowing that just as she cannot stay all the time, she is also bound to come.. and she is a very very good listener.. call her.. she will come.. hold it inside until it transforms you into a better person..than you already are.. enjoy her company and be her friend. She likes that :)

Grounding

I realized yesterday that out of the whole 30 days of June, I have worked so far only like 6 days!!! and yet, it was the most hectic month of the year so far!!! not that anything happened extraordinarily.. no big chunks taken from my time to fight a fire.. no major problems (thank God) nothing.. really..

I guess it was the chaos in my head..in my heart and consequently all around. I felt lost.. chattered most of the time. I wanted to do things.. lots of things..and I didn't.  I started stuff and left them out.. and I thought and thought.. not following a single thread of thought.  And now I feel I want some grounding. 

I want to sit on my own.. and lay around me all the pages of my life like a pack of cards.. and take one by one and look at each.. thoroughly.  I want to sit still..be silent.  I want to disconnect from the world outside and let the clatter inside come out and stack themselves quietly where they please.

Even in my various days off, that was not the case. I can hardly remember what was the case.  I didn't exercise, read, tidy up, pamper myself, work, have lengthy conversations with the kids.  What was I doing? It was going up and down a virtual ladder of nothingness.. or rather the same ideas that have come to occupy me.. like a submissive land. 

But enough!  Today, I have my chance. The house is empty.  My family have travelled somewhere for a couple of days..and I have the house, my own physical land for myself. I have the time for myself, to almost do whatever I please with it, like a an empty bowl..and I have me.

I remember once at meditation, there was this exercise in which you visualize yourself as a tree and you - closing your eyes- imagine you.. tall.. and deep.. nourished by the soil...joyful by the sun..and then you can extend your branches.. this is the picture I keep visualizing eyes open :)

So, I started the day calmly. I am no longer forcing myself to do anything. But, I am keeping the quiet stillness inside.  I am not answering phones, except the ones I have to or want to.  I am elminating all excess clatter.  And phyiscally, I realized that I want to organize my million papers, files and books...I am organizing them into topics: coaching, leadership, happiness, assessement centres, training, miscellaneous.. I am still half way through..but it is already giving me a good sense of peace..

Tuning the world today to my tune.. is marvellous.. I do not have to dance to anybody's song.. I don't have to dance at all, if I don't want to. I don't have to do anything. But, I am doing things.. all the things that are coming naturally in a space of mine.

How many times, we run..in someone else's marathon... or go and come to and fro reaching nowhere. Clarity! yes, that's it quiet clarity, that's my quest today. It can be lazy. It doesn't have to, though. It can be whatever it wants to be.. and that's cool.

For without roots, without seeing our trunk..our branches are not really within our control. Today, is mine. Today, I live for me.  Today, create my own space and I ground.

I guess I have to give up something..

Dear Blog,

I am writing today because I am very confused.  I have always loved a life that is full.  At work, whenever I took a job in, it usually started calmly (except my one which was chaos right from the start), and then I took on things.. and then I created things.. and those things had babies and sisters and families and all of a sudden I would find myself, literally not finding a spare minute.

I started working early on at 18 keeping myself busy.  Even my part-time, free-lance fun job as movie translator.. I managed to turn it hectic and over-loading.  I took more and more and stayed up late translating for the deadline.

I had no financial responsibilities then,  I mean of course it was pretty nice and self-inflating to get well paid when I was 18, but it was never money that motivated me. 

And now it is not much different. I have left the multinational world and work as a part time HR head in a local company, which I assume should have been less hectic.  In a year, I have managed to do the same thing. I over loaded myself with objectives every year as if life would end after this. As if I have one damn chance to finish it all.  Pretty psycho... isn't it?

The problem is, I have dreams.. big and colourful.. I have a lot of dreams.  There is my company that I am currently creating with the documentation, the website, the brochure, the services... there is this blog, there is the book I am DYING to write, and it is crying out to get out of me every second of the day!  There are of course my kids and my family. There are my friends.. lots of friends..

Shall I go more: diving trips, trips abroad; both are essential oxygen to a true Sagittarius.  Parents, that I love and want to take care of.  My second Masters degree, in which, for no urgent reasons, I enrolled a year ago and did nothing about so far.. except studying every now and then..

Favours and support I do to others whenever I can.

Coaching, which I do little of .

Workshops. Fun and lovely

The problem truly is not in being occupied all the time. That is not it.  Problem is not being unable to have fun, cos' I do have fun!

Problem is, My dreams... colourful as they are... always somehow end up last in the list.. never done.  And something in me is screaming loudly : YOUR BOOK!!!!!! YOUR COMPANY!!! YOUR COACHING!!! These voices, unfortunately, are insatiable, just like me.  They ask for many things. I wish they would ask for one.  Get satisfied with one..

I always think I will be on time for an appointment.  I always think there is enough time to take a shower, linger with a cup of coffee... get nicely dressed and get there on time.  But, I almost never do!! and never change!

Is it the same syndrome: ME : the unbeatable?? ME who can take it all? whether it is obligations, invitations, requests, meetings, outings, trips, even pains.. me who can take it all??
Well, that is quite a positive look at myself I guess.  It must be far better than thinking I can't take any of it.  As I write this, I remember times when I did say that actually "I can't do this anymore".  I remember times when my oxygen levels were metaphorically speaking low and I had to get out. 

I don't say NO. That is another issue.  No is a big no no.. No can hurt others.  No can deprive me of chances and opportunities.  No, means not going through an open door, that might be closed later on. 

A sentence rings in my ears.  A sentence I read when I was studying coaching, the module on Balance. Let me fetch it for you guys.  Here it is

" Balance is about learning to say no, not only to the yucky, drippy stuff that no one wants anyway, but to the good stuff too." " That apple pie looks mighty good, but I AM FULL. Thank you, but NO." It's about learning to be done rather than trying to always finish and about choosing the experiences we want to have rather than dashing about trying to have all of them."

I guess as I copy this down..what I feel is : I REST MY CASE.  I Guess I have to give something up.  FOR NOW... But they are all my babies.. how can I do that?? But unless I have been blessed with being pregnant in sextuplets (6 babies) that is not very likely to happen? Right?? So, it seems as if I am pregnant in one or max. 2 and for no urgent reasons (again) I am adopting babies.. which is a fine cause.. but why at the same time??

I guess... what I have to do is identify my original babies...and postpone adoption for a while.. Also, In real life with babies.. you do not really keep planning everyday ( I tried.. I swear and it did not work at all) you just go and do what it takes at the time.. just go and finish the task at hand because the baby is crying.  And right now.. I can hear one baby crying louder than the rest; MY BOOK....

Thank you blog :)

Nothing at all...

I wake up with a myriad of emotions.. they are so many.. so confused.. so agitated and muffled at the same time, that it is literally impossible to decipher or even describe..

I will try to list some, so you know where I actually am... I am bored to death.. the Internet is very slow.. I am going out and I "should" get ready and I hate the process of getting ready.. the day seems to have so much to go .. yet it does not move .. I am also excited about projects and travels..I feel far more relaxed than before.. yet.. it feels like there are still a million pirana fish inside of me nibbling on my guts..while I am writing this.. and yet.. remember I am bored still... the boredom that feels like waiting.. and you do not even know what you are waiting for ...

Anyway, there is also a feeling of being victimized, guilt, fairness, struggle, hope, ambition, surrender.. well, I changed my mind.. the list can almost include all human emotions at the same time.. that would be too long and boring.. but it also brings me to the point of this article..

Yesterday, after receiving some wonderful comments from a couple of friends, I wondered "am I playing it small? Have I not done my share.. If I really have all those qualities or skills or abilities?"

And since this cotton candy-like puff of emotions was also still inside of me yesterday.. but to a far greater extent.. it felt quite suffocating and I kept wondering "what should I do? what should I do?"  "I do not know what the hell should I do?"

The next thing I did was sit down and plan on the calendar for the rest of the year.  My list included studying, kids, sports, work and projects, writing, learning to play guitar and paint, creating new workshops content, and finalizing my company's website, brochure and business plan.trips with family.. trips on my own... WOW.. right?? for unknown reasons, when I looked at the list I did not feel impressed and yet.. it did not bother me much.. but it left me wondering.. again.."is this all I can do...or ... is this more than I can do? . what the hell should I do?"

"You do not have to do anything" my friends said.
Then one of my friends continued " it is not about you not doing enough.. this is very limiting..just go with the flow... just embrace life.. as it is ... be yourself.."  Her words went into my heart immediately but an echo of similar words I voiced long ago.. came by ..too..reminding me..

At coaching, we once had a visualization exercise, and in that one I met my future self (20 years from now) and I asked her for advice " enjoy life.. and do what you feel is right" she said.  What I feel... not what the world dictates.. and now the words of "embracing life" seem to fill my room.. I know them.. I wrote them.. I said them.. and they came back to me when I needed them...

It is a futile fight anyway... there is actually no fight at all... with life you take what it gives you.. you welcome it .. hate it .. but you get it anyway.. you can wish for it.. invite it.. call it.. you can run away from it.. pretend it is not there.. rejoice or denounce.. you can do a million things you see .. it is not as if you are helpless.. not at all.. you are far more powerful.. and you have got magical powers recipe  hidden ins some shelf within the yellow pages..but powerful and magical as you are.. you do not fight with the days.. you take them in... embrace life.. and then go... or if you wish fly..

where did I go?

It has been such a long time since I last came here and threw a pebble in the water.  I guess it is a week or 10 days! quite a lot!! It isn't as if I have not missed coming here and saying something.. and realizing many things while I was saying it.  I haven't stopped writing actually all this time.  I did write in Arabic too some poems..but still, I missed writing, I missed the passionate discipline of coming here and talking and feeling...

So, what happened to me? actually nothing.. I am all safe and sound.. only too tired and too damn sleepy as I  am writing now.. but like a lover who can no longer stand being away.. I come with teary eyes..

What happened?? it is what always happens to us: Life.. life with all its waves high and low, tender and violent, trivial and important..

Life has been keeping me busy.. but that does not mean that it did this to me.. I actually agreed to get busy..I got busy with a bit more hectic workload... then we had a vacation and I consciously decided to get fully busy with the kids..For some time, I have done mainly work and kids now..

But life has also been miraculously wondrous ( I am not sure this word will escape the spell check, really but I so like it:) ... since the NLP workshop, I have been eagerly trying to sustain the marble column-free status I was in...I am waking up ensuring to see that life is not what I thought.  I am repeating myself may be, but I am now more able to share what it really was..

I recently realized (5 years ago) that life is sweet.. I did enjoy life before.. but at that moment, I realized that the difficulty in life does not, by any means, label it only as bad.. it is hard and happy..but my notion of my life, however, did not change.  I thought my life was a struggle. A struggle that started before I even stepped into it.  I always believed faithfully that I was destined to struggle all my life.. .and since that was my belief.. and in combination with the previous one, I sort of accepted it.. as part of having a joyous life..a meaningful presence..

But during the workshop, I realized that my life is not necessarily a struggle.. and that I am not necessarily destined to struggle till I die... My life was rich.. diverse.. like a fantastic indian movie, where there is orange, blue and yellow beaded dresses, love, anger & jealousy in a trio, tenderness, kindness, unfairness and justice..My life had it all..and I am not so old yet.. and I do not feel a bit old yet...
Whatever I had, was not because my lot in life was struggle...No!  Whatever I had was only tender kind preparation... muscle training... just like the famous butterfly had to exercise a bit inside the cocoon before it flew :)  Same here, I could not get into this Indian-movie-like life without the ability to dance, to see... to touch and feel.. to understand..accept and be..

And it made a whole difference to see a different intention of my life.  I always believed God was merciful and generous and kind..but somehow I never applied it to why I had this life.. I used to think because He is wise, he gave me this life to suffer to become in the end what I am now.. I always thought that suffering was therefore an essential part..and that may be it was what led me to taste so vehemently the joie de vivre..

May be all this is true.. but what is even truer.. kinder.. and sweeter.. is knowing that God did not give me this life to suffer.. but to make me stronger.. tougher.. kinder.. and more delicate..able to soar..able to love..able to enjoy..and yet able to feel pain..mine and others' which is also a true blessing...compassion, it is called.

I am a butterfly..once a worm..struggling in the grass.. accepting the grass... loving the greenery.. fearful of bigger animals..but now a butterfly!  For a few years, my wings were shy..my muscles were not yet always ready..they used to get wet easily with any drops of rain and droop...and I did not always manage to dry clean them on time..

But now, My wings are always ready.. all I have to do is take off my jacket and stretch them in all their magnificence.. colourful in orange, golden and blue hues.. rain drops only wash them... and I now look to higher more bluish skies... I visit clouds...sometimes with friends where we have our cocktails... and sometimes I go back to the grass..appreciatively... and then....hop...up again..where I belong :)

Attraversiamo

I sit with a client.. a brilliant one..She says "I have not really met my real self...yet" to which I reply
 "But I have met her.." "She is brave, young, creative, fun, persistent...she is strong, optimistic and realistic..she love life" I ask her "what conjures her up in our sessions?" She is silent for  a few moments and then she says many things ..she says "because you are already on my side.. we are crossing together"...

It is not only my brilliant client... it is all of us... Acceptance for what we are..we all need that.  We spend too much time.. too much of our life in trying to prove ourselves to others.. trying to prove we are worthy..or we are ethical.. or we did not mean it.. or that we love them...or that we are originally not so stupid... or not so bad...

We spend too much time justifying... unconsciously pleading for acceptance... begging internally for a check mark to be put on us..so we can move on...

When all we need is someone already on our side... someone who will know that we are good.. that we are beautiful...that we are fine...the way we are... so instead of continuously struggling to prove who we are and acquit ourselves from all the framed accusations...we just hold hands...we just walk together.. we just know inside that we are on the same side... and we cross...and I borrow Elizabeth Gilbert's "attraversiamo".................

Don't justify yourself... Don't hire a lawyer..when you can fill the world with your songs... when you can tour the world on foot...Hold hands and cross... and when there is no one out there to hold on to... search for this brilliant self inside you too... meet her.. have coffee..hold hands and both you - in total acceptance- cross..