NEVER serious enough!

I want to start the blog by swearing actually, but instead I will just write some angry and surprised exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

Months ago, I have written that if I am not serious enough, I will not be taken seriously.  Around 17 years ago, I realized that same damn lesson, while I was asking mildly, sheepishly, full of embarassement for a salary increase!  And what the hell have I done??  I am very sorry (apology to myself) but I am truly pissed off with my self.  How nice it is to be clever and have deep realizations and then only throw them in the basket or write about them in some revelatory style!!

Again and again, I do it.  Sometimes, I wake up and something turns stern inside of me. Something finally turns serious and logical and not so damn soft!!! I like being soft, but for God's sake, there are times when we, as human beings, living in a human-filled world with less-than-human conditions we need to be logical and hard at times.  Not necessarily mean or cruel or bad, but I cannot behave like molten cheese all the time, quite pathetic isnt it?  Only after melting over and over (and I can do this about any subject in the world!) do I finally feel that something went wrong, some unfairness, some ignoring, some lack of listening, some undesirable results...and only then, do I suddenly wake up and start shouting!!!

I thought a few weeks ago before going to the leadership retreat and while I was there that I need to access this range more often; the range between passive silence and angry roaring.  To be more assertive in other terms.  But, that, I see now (another realization, hope I will use it :)) is a quick fix, an over simplification of the matter.  For, I do often talk and express but never quite reflecting how serious this is for me.  Never quite backing my requests with enough force, as if I am afraid my force would hurt others... (again this stupid feeling of responsibility over the whole world! what a boring pattern!) And I see another reason, that is brand new...well almost: here it goes:  I do not know what is important for me!  I mean I know that my kids are the most important, but in the small details is this translated? when it comes to money for example; money is important for me and the kids and I need it to provide a nice life and education for the kids.  But on the other hand, I have my own beliefs or interests or rather lack of interest in money and so I do not always care about it enough.
For me, money is a tool.  A very important tool, nevertheless, always was and always will be a tool.  I am not by nature a maximization-interested person.  Things either fit me or they do not. and luckily, I have a wide range of things that fit me, and I do not feel ever that I want to keep maximizing gains, or scores or objects or positions or titles.  If it works for me and I am satisified and happy that is good.  I still do more, I give more, I learn more but not because of a need to maximize. 

So, here comes again the point, am I really clear about what I want and how I want to do it? How I want to live my life?  Before being clear with others, I have to know what is important for me, what I love and what I totally do not accept and then comes the second phase which is expressing it. 

I thought at a point that I should have a book of rules (not a literal book) but like a set of what I want, do not want, love and hate and also a red-fonted piece on what I will not accept.  But, it does not seem practical. How the hell, will I have that thing, when life offers you daily and hourly new situations?

May be the answer is to pause for a couple of minutes and ask my self this question "How do I want this to go?" and wait for an answer, not just let the question pop in the air with their fellow question marks that fill my life. 

And then take another 5 minutes or more to clearly, seriously express it.  And again wait for the answer that I get back and check "Is this answer Ok for me or not?"

Very simple process!!! have no idea why we do not do that! or at least, I do not usually.

 

Another self defense mechanisms

I have written before about self defense mechanisms....and I think I am discovering more new ones now.  As the pain in my stomach increases, and my heart starts once again to do those acrobatic movements that leave me weak, I am re-discovering this field.  And I realize how unaware I was!  I thought I sort of knew my own techniques, but I see more ...

Silence...one of the best techniques.  I feel like a piece of shredded meat.  I freeze myself, because it sort of seems to me that this is the only way not to fall apart. And I honestly do not know how will I look like if I fall apart, and therefore not sure exactly what to do then.  So, I freeze myself.  Silence is one good tool to do this.  It is like a cover, a cling film, a freezing temperature that keeps me intact.  This is when I close the lids, all lids and put a mask face and pretend that there is no one there.  I talk, mind you... but I say lots of nonsense, daily crap...jokes even...sharing stupid stuff on facebook...but freezing all else. 

The jokes, the daily crap are another technique, where I pretend that I am fine, but the real purpose is to avoid any question marks, any  sympathetic"What's wrong?" questions because they all threaten to open the well ...of tears...

Another technique is in my brains; pretense. I can summarize as "what else can go wrong?" faltering a bit and exaggerating into this feeling that I will close my nose and jump into the water quickly way...

The beauty (not really :) of this is doing all of them together and watching your self pitying yourself...watching some bleeding drops... or the look of anxiety of all your friends (which is sort of shocking because I thought I was getting perfect at this pretense thing)... I can feel my breathing becoming more difficult, my heart threatening once again with some major decision and my tummy hurting every now and then... with various pains all over.... I watch as if I am looking at a stranger inside and continue joking...

Books...books...and more books :)

It's weekend here! and one of my early blogs like one year ago was about how I really don't like weekends.  I am not sure why, but I guess it is because there feels to be a huge waste of time...I just lie down like a vegetable, no enjoyment, no achievement, no nothing.  Actually, this is not totally true, but it is my habitual way of being so cruel to myself.  Partially true, though. 

Like today, I had a webinar, I fetched some bookds to read, I want to visit my parents, pick my photos for the back cover of the book, fill the application for the kids' Russian passports and cross my fingers so well hoping it will be finalized.  Have to do some back office work for a consulting job I do for an NGO.  I also want to do some kind of reading list. 

I have an obssession problem with mugs and books.  I try to resist, but it does not always work.  Last week I was in Dubai, and I resisted buying this butterfly painted mug, and the pink rosy one, and one with funny surrealist drawings and the one that had a nice lid on it. I even resisted the other butterfly one, with a butterfly-shaped handle.  But I love to buy mugs, they seem to be so individualistic and when you buy one, they reflect you in a way and they are cheerful, too.

Books, is even far worse.  I love books.  Not reading books only, I love books.  I love being in bookstores surrounded by books, I feel at home (I feel this way on planes too).  I love touching books and playing with books and flipping through the pages.  I love reading them and losing myself in them.  The only thing that I do not like is feeling that I want to read them and I do not have time.  you see, I keep buying books like crazy!  I have like 50 extremely interesting new books that have not yet been read. Sometimes I wish there were some kind of blue tooth between my brain and the book and so all it takes is to hold the book close to my head for 5 minutes and all that interesting information would automatically be mine!

I promised myself not to buy any new books untill I finish (or even discard) the ones I have.  But it is so tempting to buy books as tempting as dresses to me.  I do the same with dresses.  I buy dresses that I do not ever wear.  But they look so nice and I look so nice in them that I just have to get them!

Now for books, I have a variety of fields and I am not sure where to start as usual :).  There is "Training Design", there is "The Everday Writer", there is "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" and there is a book about parenting.  I guess what I will do, is what I have not done for some long time, Follow my heart and let my fingers move to the book.   And right now I wonder "No fun at all in the weekend?"  why not go to the movies?

I can only handle the "NOW" now

As Daniel Gilbert says in his book, we are always "nexting".  Many people also spend days and nights exploring the past or reliving it, or if not, they sort of wonder about it and why it was so not as they would have liked it to be. 

Especially in a place of not knowing, the future is full of worries.  It is laden with anticipated future pains for ourselves but also for those we love.  I worry about my kids and how they will turn out, though I am usually not the worrying fretting person.  I wonder about their schools and their personalities and how things will turn for them.  I wonder about myself, my book, my health and my dreams.  I wonder about what they will eat and what I will cook and when shall I cook it.  I even go in my head through the ingredients list, once I have figured out the menu.  I also think of money, will it be there? what about the school fees, the university fees, and all that follows.

The past is full of regrets of all the times I have not taken the right turn, all the things I said "yes" to when I should have not.  And all the things, I actually said "No" to, and it does not seem logical anymore.  As Gilbert says we try so hard for a future self that is forever ungrateful.  The past is full of scars and instead of letting them be what they are scars, we go there, we scratch and it bleeds. 

I spend days and nights full of hallucinating dreams where past and future mingle in today and create a nightmare.  I have all the components fetched elaborately from past events and future worries.  and before I know it, the day is doomed.  And when I leave work, or get out of home, or finish the meetings, I hear those voices eating me inside. 

And then I decided " May be I cannot now manage the past.  May be I cannot bear the future.  But I can handle the "now"".  "Now I am driving in my car, Now I am going to work thinking of the stuff I have to do. There is no problem with that. I can handle that."  Or I say "now I am writing my blog. There is nothing difficult with that. I enjoy it. It is safe and pleasant. I will not wander to any other dimension of time."

They come now those ghosts from the past, and those zombies from the future and I bring back myself to the now.  The "now" I can handle, even if in the cases when it is not  the most pleasant, I can still handle that.  Even if the future will be "bad" in some ways, I will be able to handle it then, when it becomes a now.  But for the time being, all I can handle is the "now", so I will stay here now.  and chain myself to a stable moment that is existing, as if it is eternity.

moving away...from what you enjoy

How lovely it is to come back.  I was editing my blogs in preparation of the book, some of which were here, and others and I realized what a fantastic time it was to write here.  I realized that this was (and still is ) a magical place for me.  Here I come back.  Here I smile a lot.  Here I realize. And here, of course, I write which is to me magic. Before writing regularly, I remember some of my light-flooded thoughts used to evaporate, but here they crystalize and remain with me forever.

And I realized something else.  If writing here in this blog is so much fun, so full of creativity for me, so gratifying and at the same time free, enjoyable and easy, why did I stop?  I know I have been very busy travelling within Egypt and outside Egypt, finishing my Neuro Linguistic programming certification and jiggling life as usual... but these are exactly what they sound like: justifications, that you give to others to avoid looking wrong.  In reality the question is from me to me: since I enjoy it that much, why have I stopped filling my life with it?

And then...the meta question pops up "what else have you given up?"  Ask yourself this question, please.  Some give up art, or outings..or cooking.  You may have a million correct and logical justifications, but how can they help sweeten the days? those justifications I mean. They don't. Whereas doing what you love and enjoy if even for a few minutes does extend roots to yourself...does multiply joy. 

So, look back and look ahead, and wonder " What nice thing I want to be doing?"
 

None of that is new....

Not that this is new for me... this technique of watching other people's behaviors and analyzing it and coming to a certain core action that I deem responsible for creating a reaction... To be less myesterious, this is like when I see a great influencer who manages to make all people think he is sweet or a genius or whatever... I usually watch their behavior and realize some certain repetitive action or words that I can later use if I want to create the same effect..

Not that I have not been using the same technique with me in a way... I watch what I do, what works, what does not and sometimes I even write it down or formulate theories about me within a human nautre context..

And of course it is not that I am a novice with pain.... pain management, like change management is a science and I think I am good at it.  I twist it like 6 repetitive times, make a flip and voila...the pain sort of turns into laughter... but do not question me if it feels or tastes like laughter...

So, it is really not that any of the above is true... it is just that being experienced in all that does not necessarily protect your heart from pain... does not necessarily provide medical insurance to your wounds.. and doing it more and more neither provides an answer as to "how to do it" nor does it make it any easier..

the missing

How I have missed writing here.  this is one of my most favourite place on this planet Earth. Like a child I rush to this white space where I pour me in little pieces and droplets on screen.  I have missed writing here.  I am carrying all my alphabets and all my cocktailed emotions and coming back.  How good it feels.  The reason for my writing is dual.  First,  I am preparing for the book, so I am keeping all the new stuff for the book.  Second, I have been pretty weird lately (which is all more reason to write here, I know) but by weird I do not mean emotional, happy, sad, confused, optimistic, scared... No, I do not mean all these, though I have been these and more during the last few months.  But by weird, I mean I have been detached....from myself...from what is happening to me.  As if I see what is going on and realize that this is very painful... but only feel it from the surface, like a hot sauce pan that you do not want to dive in. I guessed that was another self-defense mechanism and that is why I did not resist it much. 

It is not nice, however, because you are sort of living half a life, or living while you are kind of stoned.  Not really nice, unless your life really sucks.  And, it is not very easily called on and off.  I mean it just happens and all the intensity in the emotion is gone.  Sometimes, however, I find myself falling down into the hot tormenting volcanos of life.  So, overall, I would not rate this state of "stoned" in my own sense as good.  Not really. 

What is good and brings a smile to my face is coming back here.  it feels warm and I wonder about this missing thing.  what is missing? is it a longing for the things we like and enjoy? is it a want that has grown so strong that it pulls us somewhere like a dog that pulls at its owner to see something?  or a baby that nags at his mum to get him a toy?

Or is it rather an emotion that can only come when something is an innate part of you... or has been ushered inside and warmed and loved too fondly to tolerate being void of it?

Is it the same with people? I long for someone because of what?  is it because they complement me or is it because they make me happy? or may be once again because they have become part of who I have become?

I surely do not know. May be all.. May be more.  what I know is the rushing back into the arms of who or what you love.. as if  you are coming back home after a long trip away, and the whole world is welcoming you in the airport with millions and millions of roses...and you rush to what you love.. who you love... and who you truly are..