The Yellow Raincoat

Like a baby in my dreams, this book was.  When I was 9 I planned to be a writer.  I only remember that because I answered a quiz at the end of a story and when faced with the question what do you want to be? I kept thinking a lot and the only answer was " A writer".

Immersed in work, and life as we usually know it, the dream was gone, the pen was useless and practicallity was all over the place :)

Untill I studied coaching and dreams sort of re-incarnated...thoughts filled my head and emotions sprung from my heart and I started writing and talking ...

Then Reem came and told me while we were working "Why dont you write a book, honestly?" and I could not shove it off so easily

Then, I sat at a cafe writing some notes to myself and looked up and here it was; a message in big bold font "Why don' you write a book?" that was the name of the book on the shelf above me!!

Then I got some coaching on the book, but my fears were stronger.  What if they dont like it?  What if it is not important? What if what I want to share has been shared before? What if nobody cares?  And then I thought "If I write I book, it must be something awesome" and that was another restriction I put on myself.  I thought it had to be an invention...and that paralysed me.

Then I met an online marketing guy "Mito" who was very helpful and we passionately started talking about our passions :) and I said " Who will read a book in English in Egypt and who might be interested in those ideas about love, life and happiness and stuff like that?" and he showed me a book of a friend of his, with the same description!

Eman, my friend, then decided to publish her first book of poetry! and encouraged me to move on...She wanted to show me how doable that was!!! and later she revised my blogs and gave me her comments and checked the spelling when I could not check anymore...

And somehow in the middle of this was the blog, dont even know how I created it and I started writing and writing and could not stop.

The publisher Amani whom I contacted, called me back and another part of the journey started.

Talks with Moushira, my friend inspired me, fed my soul so that I had to rush back and write.

Friends from NLP distributed the blog to others.  Other Friends shard on fb and commented.  Some critiqued the blogs with me leading to enriching discussions... others loved me through them...

You, gentle readers have viewed the page, gave me comments that inspired me and encouraged more than you could imagine.  Knowing that someone out there finds a feeling or a word or an experience that is akin to him and can relate to my expression of it were wings for me!

And there are so many to thank...and so much to be grateful for!

And one final thing, please do check my page on facebook about the book. It is called the Yellow Raincoat (Not Justin Biber's song and I did not take it from him :) and tell me what you think...

May GRATITUDE AND LOVE cuddle you tonight.
 

Gifts from a year

Another year is coming to end soon... and reflectively I look back .  What a year!!! very tough.  I broke down...literally.  and then I got up again.  Many things happened, some things needed to happen a long time ago, but I guess still everything happens on its own time.  Sad things, happy things, shaky me :)

1- The good news is bad things pass and if you make it a priority that they pass in a good way.  If you clear yourself of all or most bad intentions and focus on your priorities, your priorites will hopefuly go undamaged.

Everything passes.   and you can make them pass in better or worse scenarios.  It takes effort sometimes, patience, prayers but hopefuly they do pass well.  Nothing so far is the end of the world!

2- Asking for help, another lesson that I learnt at the leadership program I recently have been enrolled in.  Seeking help is not only normal or good or advisable.  It is a must.  I can not do it on my own!  It took me years and years to realize that I, too, like all other human beings might not be able to do something on my own or go through a phase on my own.  Sometimes you need help! So, go and ask for it.

3- A repeated lesson that is sometimes dimmed is that life is good. I totally agree that sometimes it sucks, I mean you really feel like it is your enemy ....yet, it is not.  Bad things happen, dreams get shattered, but new dreams are re-born too.  So, overlooking the whole picture, life is actually a good journey to enjoy.

4- If you do not work on your priorities, your life will not be satisfactory.  If you have issues with your husband or your kids or at work, somethings need to be done.  And if you can not do it alone, refer to lesson 2 and just ask for help. Help can be professional, formal or informal...whatever!

5- It is terribly awesome to have a dream come true!! so, it is really worth even if it sometimes does not look like it :)

6- Life is not about objectives and planning.  It stressed me out like hell.  And though I do plan now, I very much know that my life is not a calendar and I am not the master of the universe!  I plan, I do (and sometimes I dont) and it is fine.  As long as I am moving, then it is fine.  Waking up sometimes late is not so good, and I want to change that, but it is ok.  Be lenient with the universe; you are not its master...be lenient with yourself; she is doing her best!

7- Take a break before you break down... preferrably than after.

8- Talking is a real good way of communication.  Seems like a very known thing, I know.  But I am not sure we always use it with our stakeholders (excuse me for this dry word), I mean with those who matter to us and about things that matter to us.  It might not work with everyone. It might not work in every situation but it is quite a useful tool...do not burn bridges easily.

9- Fill your days with new things that you enjoy.  It is like getting an oxygen injection!! makes you feel much younger. My mistake at one point though was to keep filling the days with nice things and when still my days did not get any better, I kept filling them more and more...not aware that the pot itself is breaking and that I should have emptied before filling it anew! Fix the pot, then fill it with something tasty...and in a relaxing mood and some breeze in your life...savour them!  not while you are running in the streets to catch a bus.  Pretty stupid to fill your pot with hot soup while you are running :) I can tell you it pours out and it burns ...

10-  Difficult to change behavior.  What works for me is asking myself "what is at stake here?" and then if it is really worth it, I can do it.

And finally ,  I want to tell you I published my book:) and I am soooo happy to touch it and feel it in my hands...to read my words and see the alphabets and the pictures.... it is truly something to have  a dream come true, like rainbows.
 

The Gift !?

To whom does the gift belong?  Is it to the giver? or the one presented it?

In Islamic religion, there is a quote that encourages gift giving as it increases human caring and good feelings.  In a positive posychology workshop, the professor said that gifts are basically not a good thing, because the giver sort of binds or obliges the person given the gift by this gift. In a book about negotiation, I have read about the reciprocity rule; which basically says that the natural reaction of being offered a gesture or a thing is to do the same back. So, in adverstisement, this might be used as a way to trick you!

But for me it is different.  I love giving gifts.  Let me pause here and wonder if my intentions are as pure as I think or not....Well, originally, to me, giving gifts is for two main reasons: to make the other happy, and as an expression of care and love.  The more I love someone, the more presents there is :) of course, there might be (probably is) a sweet, silent request to " Love me back", "Pamper me, too", but the main bulk of it is simply to extend love and bring joy.

Why we buy gifts, however, is different from one giver to another, one receiver to another and one situation to another.  But we have our own, sort of , reasons and patterns, even in giving. It is not as straightforward as it might look like.   Before, going further would you answer this question, please?

If you are taking sweets while you are invited for dinner for example, what do you usually do (not what you think should be done (nothing really should be done:)?

a- Pick your favorite sweets?
b- Pick the cheapest sweets, as it wouldnot matter much?
c- Pick the most generally popular sweets that most people would like?
d- Pick the fanciest and most expensive sweets to be in the safe side?
e- Pick the sweets you think your host would like?
f- Make your own sweets ? and why?

I have been told that I am talented in picking gifts.  I would remember that nice bag you looked at 6 months ago and I would search for it, when it is your birthday.  I would memorize your shoe size or ring size and get you that thing that matches your colour or the outfit you purchased a month ago.  To me, it is like bringing to your life what you would have liked to have and for some reason did not. 
Actually, as I reflect, I put myself in the other person's shoe or aura (if you want it more spiritual) when I buy them things.  It does not always work with my teen-age daughter though :)

To answser the question above, I would buy the fanciest for those I care about and do not know much about them and also if I think they are fancy people, who like expensive things. 
For those whom I do not care much, I would buy a popular box of sweets. For those I dislike, and have to get a gift, I might buy a cheap box, but not the cheapest.  And for those I love, I would definitely put myself in their shoes, remember the moments they were happy and what they liked and enjoyed and whether they like milk chocolates? Godiva? marzipan filled sweets or what other exotic flavor they savored.  I would also at special occassion, if I have time, do my very best to make them special sweets, even if small.  So, I change my giving pattern to match how I like the reciever and how much I know them and love them.  I buy blue things with some fancy details for my mum! I search for knowledge-stimulating stuff for my son (but I do not always find interesting stuff) and sometimes, I do things myself like writing letters or peoms or paiting ceramics to simply show that this is specially for you. 

The answer I beleive is: The gift belongs to the receiver, not the giver. 
When we give, is it because we want to give?  or is it because the receiver would be happier if he received?  and I am not talking about gifts.  I am talking about giving.  Giving care or concern, giving advice, time, giving tissues to wipe our tears, giving fun, or giving money...whatever we are giving.

If I am down, so terribly down, and I explicitly do not want to talk.  Should I be given by my friends care in the form of visits/ calls/ talks/ advice or should they not? or should I not? Is it about me more or them more? the giver or the receiver?

I believe that when we give we need to give what the receiver needs.  Giving should not be simply an opportunity to pour whatever we have on the poor/lucky receiver.  Giving is an opportunity to give the receiver what he wants or needs or delights in.  Otherwise, giving becomes only another selfish act! 

Giving a gift flavored with your touch is beautiful, but always let us think, does the receiver want this at all??
 

As a sauce pan!!

Like a saucepan that has been invaded and is empty....yet you still dig into it every second with a large big metal spoon! The sauce pan is screaming " there is nothing left! You are only scratching me!!"

Something inside of me (no, that is not true, let me rephrase it). 
Everything inside of me is screaming and pleading that this is not what I want still.  This was not the life version she signed for.  This is not the plan, nor the action. This is not fun, this is not it. This is not mine.  Right now, there are not so many burning turmoils in my head, which is a blessing...long forgotten.  Yet, there are a million tiny ants running in my brains...up and down actively reminding me every milli second of what I have to do the next second, and minute and day and week. And as if they are announcing war, they are playing drums in my head!

For reasons that are justifiable and logical and even necessary as well as urgent, my days have been filled with everything you can think of: team meetings, management meetings, errands to the supermarket, driving my son to the club and my daughter to her friends, and hair dresser, doctors, projects, deadlines, weddings, travel plans, studies, demos, presentations, shopping, tailor, championships, passports, IDs, consulates, and lots of other stuff!

Yet, this person inside of me is screaming for releif..release...relaxation... a break..where someone may offer a cup of tea...or say thank you or even smile...

NEVER serious enough!

I want to start the blog by swearing actually, but instead I will just write some angry and surprised exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

Months ago, I have written that if I am not serious enough, I will not be taken seriously.  Around 17 years ago, I realized that same damn lesson, while I was asking mildly, sheepishly, full of embarassement for a salary increase!  And what the hell have I done??  I am very sorry (apology to myself) but I am truly pissed off with my self.  How nice it is to be clever and have deep realizations and then only throw them in the basket or write about them in some revelatory style!!

Again and again, I do it.  Sometimes, I wake up and something turns stern inside of me. Something finally turns serious and logical and not so damn soft!!! I like being soft, but for God's sake, there are times when we, as human beings, living in a human-filled world with less-than-human conditions we need to be logical and hard at times.  Not necessarily mean or cruel or bad, but I cannot behave like molten cheese all the time, quite pathetic isnt it?  Only after melting over and over (and I can do this about any subject in the world!) do I finally feel that something went wrong, some unfairness, some ignoring, some lack of listening, some undesirable results...and only then, do I suddenly wake up and start shouting!!!

I thought a few weeks ago before going to the leadership retreat and while I was there that I need to access this range more often; the range between passive silence and angry roaring.  To be more assertive in other terms.  But, that, I see now (another realization, hope I will use it :)) is a quick fix, an over simplification of the matter.  For, I do often talk and express but never quite reflecting how serious this is for me.  Never quite backing my requests with enough force, as if I am afraid my force would hurt others... (again this stupid feeling of responsibility over the whole world! what a boring pattern!) And I see another reason, that is brand new...well almost: here it goes:  I do not know what is important for me!  I mean I know that my kids are the most important, but in the small details is this translated? when it comes to money for example; money is important for me and the kids and I need it to provide a nice life and education for the kids.  But on the other hand, I have my own beliefs or interests or rather lack of interest in money and so I do not always care about it enough.
For me, money is a tool.  A very important tool, nevertheless, always was and always will be a tool.  I am not by nature a maximization-interested person.  Things either fit me or they do not. and luckily, I have a wide range of things that fit me, and I do not feel ever that I want to keep maximizing gains, or scores or objects or positions or titles.  If it works for me and I am satisified and happy that is good.  I still do more, I give more, I learn more but not because of a need to maximize. 

So, here comes again the point, am I really clear about what I want and how I want to do it? How I want to live my life?  Before being clear with others, I have to know what is important for me, what I love and what I totally do not accept and then comes the second phase which is expressing it. 

I thought at a point that I should have a book of rules (not a literal book) but like a set of what I want, do not want, love and hate and also a red-fonted piece on what I will not accept.  But, it does not seem practical. How the hell, will I have that thing, when life offers you daily and hourly new situations?

May be the answer is to pause for a couple of minutes and ask my self this question "How do I want this to go?" and wait for an answer, not just let the question pop in the air with their fellow question marks that fill my life. 

And then take another 5 minutes or more to clearly, seriously express it.  And again wait for the answer that I get back and check "Is this answer Ok for me or not?"

Very simple process!!! have no idea why we do not do that! or at least, I do not usually.

 

Another self defense mechanisms

I have written before about self defense mechanisms....and I think I am discovering more new ones now.  As the pain in my stomach increases, and my heart starts once again to do those acrobatic movements that leave me weak, I am re-discovering this field.  And I realize how unaware I was!  I thought I sort of knew my own techniques, but I see more ...

Silence...one of the best techniques.  I feel like a piece of shredded meat.  I freeze myself, because it sort of seems to me that this is the only way not to fall apart. And I honestly do not know how will I look like if I fall apart, and therefore not sure exactly what to do then.  So, I freeze myself.  Silence is one good tool to do this.  It is like a cover, a cling film, a freezing temperature that keeps me intact.  This is when I close the lids, all lids and put a mask face and pretend that there is no one there.  I talk, mind you... but I say lots of nonsense, daily crap...jokes even...sharing stupid stuff on facebook...but freezing all else. 

The jokes, the daily crap are another technique, where I pretend that I am fine, but the real purpose is to avoid any question marks, any  sympathetic"What's wrong?" questions because they all threaten to open the well ...of tears...

Another technique is in my brains; pretense. I can summarize as "what else can go wrong?" faltering a bit and exaggerating into this feeling that I will close my nose and jump into the water quickly way...

The beauty (not really :) of this is doing all of them together and watching your self pitying yourself...watching some bleeding drops... or the look of anxiety of all your friends (which is sort of shocking because I thought I was getting perfect at this pretense thing)... I can feel my breathing becoming more difficult, my heart threatening once again with some major decision and my tummy hurting every now and then... with various pains all over.... I watch as if I am looking at a stranger inside and continue joking...

Books...books...and more books :)

It's weekend here! and one of my early blogs like one year ago was about how I really don't like weekends.  I am not sure why, but I guess it is because there feels to be a huge waste of time...I just lie down like a vegetable, no enjoyment, no achievement, no nothing.  Actually, this is not totally true, but it is my habitual way of being so cruel to myself.  Partially true, though. 

Like today, I had a webinar, I fetched some bookds to read, I want to visit my parents, pick my photos for the back cover of the book, fill the application for the kids' Russian passports and cross my fingers so well hoping it will be finalized.  Have to do some back office work for a consulting job I do for an NGO.  I also want to do some kind of reading list. 

I have an obssession problem with mugs and books.  I try to resist, but it does not always work.  Last week I was in Dubai, and I resisted buying this butterfly painted mug, and the pink rosy one, and one with funny surrealist drawings and the one that had a nice lid on it. I even resisted the other butterfly one, with a butterfly-shaped handle.  But I love to buy mugs, they seem to be so individualistic and when you buy one, they reflect you in a way and they are cheerful, too.

Books, is even far worse.  I love books.  Not reading books only, I love books.  I love being in bookstores surrounded by books, I feel at home (I feel this way on planes too).  I love touching books and playing with books and flipping through the pages.  I love reading them and losing myself in them.  The only thing that I do not like is feeling that I want to read them and I do not have time.  you see, I keep buying books like crazy!  I have like 50 extremely interesting new books that have not yet been read. Sometimes I wish there were some kind of blue tooth between my brain and the book and so all it takes is to hold the book close to my head for 5 minutes and all that interesting information would automatically be mine!

I promised myself not to buy any new books untill I finish (or even discard) the ones I have.  But it is so tempting to buy books as tempting as dresses to me.  I do the same with dresses.  I buy dresses that I do not ever wear.  But they look so nice and I look so nice in them that I just have to get them!

Now for books, I have a variety of fields and I am not sure where to start as usual :).  There is "Training Design", there is "The Everday Writer", there is "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying" and there is a book about parenting.  I guess what I will do, is what I have not done for some long time, Follow my heart and let my fingers move to the book.   And right now I wonder "No fun at all in the weekend?"  why not go to the movies?